Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work. No work, yippee.

I had a dream last night that I was at the beach. At 3 p.m. the waves started getting really big. I left, and so did everyone else. By the time I got up to my car, there was already water all over the parking lot. I got out of there. The dream gets even more weird, but I'm glad I'm now dreaming about tsunamis and not the WTC. I think it's healthy.

Hooray!

I e-mailed the Pilby novella to my editor. It weighs in at 30,300 words, 127 pages. It will be out as part of a collection next November. I already got an e-mail response from my editor:

Thanks for your email. I'll be out of the office until Tuesday, January 4.

She's such a sport!

Now back to my third novel for a while (the non-chick lit one).

Happy new year to all!

I've been meaning to mention the tsunami - who can even comprehend such losses? More than 50,000 people...that's like 17 Sept. 11ths.

Will soon wake up, put on clothes, go to work.

It's 3 a.m. and I finished inputting my edits. I inputted carefully so I wouldn't make new mistakes, but there's probably something. Anyway, Carrie Pilby's newest New Year's adventures are now ready for my editor. And in eleven months, they will be ready for all o' you.

I'm revising the Carrie Pilby novella right now. Not the other novel. That was LAST night. Tomorrow I can ship the novellA to my editrix. Yay!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

I found a buffalo nickel last week, which was very exciting. It was so rubbed down that I couldn't see the date. But I think I gave it away in change by accident because it's not in the section of my purse where I was saving it. Stupid me. It's not worth anything anyway, but.

I've been working on the book. Are my edits making it better, or worse? How to tell? I really don't know. I want the words on paper to mirror the vision in my head, although that's a tough order.

Will later wake up, put on clothes, and go to work.

I'm not getting up at 4 a.m. this week. Last week, I did that two days in a row, and I got sick as a result. Tonight, I get a good night's sleep.

I inputted a lot of book revisions today. The only nice part about this step is that I still haven't gotten rejected. I've worked so long on this one that it will be a little scary when it finally goes out. Note to self: Don't send it until it's good & ready.

Oh, to the person who's reading it right now...please keep reading! I still need your comments, definitely. The more I hear, the more I know what's good and what need a-changin'.

Hope everyone had a merry Christmas.

Two things I'm very annoyed with:

1. "What's your name?"
"Ima."
"Ima...what?"
"Ima...gonna kick your ass!"

2. You people with your Festivus. Seinfeld has been off the air for like five years already. It's not funny. It never was that funny. Here is my response to all of you.


In other news...my agent gave me a lot of comments on the novel, and now I'm doing a lot of revisions. It's getting longer. You'll still buy it, right? Won't you?

Oh well, back to the full-time job tomorrow.

I finally caught the mailman today. Every year, when it comes time to give my mailman his Xmas card, I don't want to just leave it in my box because of all the substitute mailmen who show up and might snatch it. I want my card and cash to go to my regular mailman who delivers all those nice cards and publishing-related materials and junk. So that means I sorta have to be around when the mail is being delivered. Which I can't do if I'm working. The last few Saturdays, I kept a watch out, but it was a different mailman. Today I was around and I caught him, by gum!

Then there's eggnog. The supermarket closest to me is out of all forms of eggnog and they say they won't get any new nog until after the holidays. So if you're planning to consume nog this weekend, get it fast. I got some elsewhere, though.

So as you can see, it's been a busy day. I hope every one of you is in a warm place. And I wish you...

Happy holidays!!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

There are hot 'n' heavy rumors that the daily paper we compete with may close, but who knows. We need more news coverage throughout the country, not less.

ME: I heard that 'Lost' IS a repeat tonight.
BROTHER: Nuuuh (intelligible)
ME: You can still look for clues.
BROTHER: Great.
ME: I heard that there's a theory that the island is purgatory, and that all the people on the plane died.
BROTHER: I heard that already.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Someone told me my joke about Kirstie Alley was mean, and that fame can be lonely. Actually, I was originally going to write that she still looks really pretty. But then I thought of the joke and went with that. But I doubt she reads this. Anyway, she clearly has a sense of humor about herself since her new show is called "Fat Actress."

Mickey writes:

[The head of his p*nis found the place it wanted. For a moment he wanted
there, poised, and kissed her - ...so that she felt his scrot*m slap against her skin.]
[I didn't feel like waiting for the gas man to come with his little tool.]

Are these two comments related?

Anyway, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I have my quart of soy nog ready for drinking.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

"There's another two-hour 'Lost' on tomorrow night. I hope it's not another stupid repeat for you stupid people who didn't watch it when it first came on. Just suffer." -- My brother

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

On 1010 WINS this morning, they referred to "The Kremlin." I haven't heard that one in ages.

If Kirstey Alley gets any fatter, she's going to change her name to Kirstey Highway. (Bob, you can use that in your act.)

I was thinking today about things that used to be censored or shocked people when I was little. For instance, I remember Joan Rivers got yelled at because she was hosting (I think) the Emmys and she said someone's character "Has had more hands up her dress than any of the Muppets." Also, at the Tonys, there was some guy who referred to "My producer who is also my lover" and people were horrifically embarrassed.

Literary thoughts...

Amanda e-mailed me a link to this article about how Tom Wolfe won a British "bad sex" prize for his descriptions of sex in his new novel, I Am Charlotte Simmons. It confirms my belief that sometimes, even the most celebrated writers can learn from oft-maligned genre fiction. People turn up their noses at romance novels, but think how hard it is to write a convincing romance that makes a reader actually feel romantic while you watch the characters get together. Harlequin novelists do it often, and it's a talent not everyone has. B.R. Myers, in my favorite lit crit book (a pleasure to read), A Reader's Manifesto, lambastes David Guterson (Snow Falling on Cedars) for this passage:

The head of his p*nis found the place it wanted. For a moment he wanted there, poised, and kissed her - he took her lower lip between his lips and gently held it there. Then with his hands he pulled her to him and at the same time entered her so that she felt his scrot*m slap against her skin.

(Asterisks included so people don't find this page looking for p*rn.)

To be fair, Sarah told me she thinks Tom Wolfe's descriptions are intentional to mirror the attitude toward sex on college campuses, as explored in the book. It wouldn't be the first time that writers are trying to skewer more successful writers with extra snark.

Oh, by the way, some of you may have time to read during the holidays. I have to again recommend a great great great cold-weather book that reads really fast and is heartfelt and intriguing. Read it by the fire! Read it on a plane!

It's At Home in the World, writer Joyce Maynard's memoir of (mostly) her relationship with J.D. Salinger. She was a precocious young girl who didn't fit in, who lived in a superachieving creative family, and after she got published in the Times in 1972, she was lured out of her sophomore year at Yale to go live in near seclusion with Salinger. If you read it, let me know what you think. Here's a link to get to it.

Woke up, put clothes on, didn't go to work.

I cleaned my apt. today allll day and now I'm aching. I actually spent nine straight hours cleaning.

Let's have a look at our weather map.

Luckily I took a metal fondue fork and poked the little pipe next to the pilot light in my heater to get the white ash away from it so it would light. I didn't feel like waiting for the gas man to come with his little tool.

Here's another cool scoop.

On Saturday, the Sound of Music airs on ABC. If you click that link, you get to one of the funnier reviews ever written. Fans of the film are very affectionate toward it.

I've tried to convince people of the subtle and clever humor that was injected into the movie. People who exhibit a certain film snobbery fail to give it a chance because of their 20-year-old memories of watching it as a kid and seeing singing nuns. Look at the quotes from it on imdb (especially 2 through 5) and you will see that screenwriting legend Ernest Lehmann did an amazing job converting an average stage show into a much better movie.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

If you can intentially embarrass yourself at the office Xmas party, it makes other people feel less bad when they do it unintentionally.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

According to the Web, Nick was actually her fiancee when the deal was done - and one report says they were married in September. Someone's been a bit slow in getting news to the SnarkWire.

I get Publisher's Lunch, which tells you of deals that happen in the industry. Check out how debut author Nick Laird is described:

"Zadie Smith's boyfriend Nick Laird's debut novel UTTERLY MONKEY, set in London and Northern Ireland, about two reunited friends who discover that one of them has accidentally stolen money from a terrorist organization, to John Williams at Harper, by Natasha Fairweather at AP Watt."

I just think it's funny that out of all the stuff Nick Laird has done (he's a writer himself), he gets referred to that way. If you don't know who Zadie Smith is, she was the subject of literary snark in London when her first novel, WHITE TEETH, was published in her twenties. Get a hit novel published that young and the knives will sharpen. I'm sure this announcement will spur even more snark. But hey...maybe the guy is actually a good writer. Let's see.

UPDATE: See below.

What's that sound outside? It's the sound of silence! Because no one is going to the bars. It's too cold. Thank god - some peace.

Tonight was the office X-mas party. I may or may not have performed an Eminem song for the second year in a row. There may or may not be a picture later to confirm this. Why? Because there's a Slim Shady in all of us.

IT'S FRIKKIN COLD OUT. I'm staying inside for a month. Don't miss me.

Guess what I'll be doing. No, not just writing. Cleaning my apt. that went to pot because of all the time I spent writing.

I might even get to cook!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

We're bad, we're nationwide.

Paco the Python is getting around!

The Associated Press story on Paco the python is up.

If you were working at a DVD repair facility and opened a box with a DVD that had been returned, and saw a four-foot python curled around it, what would you think? Here's the first pickup of our story. More coming tomorrow on Paco, the python who got a free trip to Secaucus.

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed me about my piece on radio days.

Pop culture musings aside...I will soon wake up, put on clothes, and go to work.

In other news, this weekend, the chain of newspapers for which I am an editor ran a pretty interesting feature about a displaced four-foot python. The story is wacky enough that I expect it to uncoil in other media outlets. More as the story develops.

New content for a new workweek....

Tale of the tapes

I first became conscious of the music that was playing on the radio when I was in second grade and wanted to hear songs from “Grease.” Back then, the stations to listen to in the New York area were WNBC-AM and WABC-AM. Those were the ones with the top 40, the Disco, the Donna Summer. I would be sitting in the bucket seats of the Chevrolet and ask my father to put either of those stations on. I couldn’t identify the singers, but I knew which songs I liked – “Freak Out” by Chic and “Hot Child in the City” by whoever that was. One time, my family was heading to the shore and “Born to Run” came on. My father told me that the Highway 9 mentioned in the song was the same Route 9 that we were on. A month later, I heard a song on the radio with a similar scratchy vocalist and thought, “Maybe that’s Bruce Springsteen.” When the disc jockey said it was, I was so proud of myself. I normally couldn’t identify singers by their voices, like older kids and adults always could, and this was the first time I had.

In fourth grade, I came to notice that a lot of the songs on the radio that I liked, like “My Life” and “Big Shot,” were by the same guy – Billy Joel. I started taking piano lessons that year, like many of the kids in my community did, and my teacher gave me a book of patriotic songs and a book of exercises called “A Dozen a Day.” For my recital, I played the “Star Spangled Banner.” But when I switched piano teachers, the new guy made it more interesting. He gave me a Billy Joel easy piano book, and I was very very happy.

In sixth grade, I spent a lot of time in school folding over notebook paper to create a magazine called “Liskid,” which my father photocopied for me at his part-time job when he went there once a week. (He didn’t have copier access at his main job, and there actually weren’t many places back then to copy things besides an office.) One of the highlights of the magazine were the charts of the top 10 TV shows and songs of the week. I didn’t make them up, though; I cut them out of the Asbury Park Press, but it was still a valuable resource from my two to six consistent subscribers (the number vacillated depending on how many friends I had who weren’t mad at me). I’d add in my opinions by putting an “X” for “Good song,” a circle for “OK song” and a dash for “Bad song.” My magazine tended to gravitate around the lunchroom, and one time, a semi-popular girl named Deena came up to me in her overalls and Clash T-shirt. “I like how you X’ed ‘Rock the Casbah,’ she said approvingly.

Seventh grade was the big year – 1984. Madonna, Michael Jackson and Prince flew to the top of the charts. Van Halen named their album after the year. Everyone thinks junior high was the best time for music no matter how old they are, but my junior high experience happened to coincide with the acts who defined the sound of the decade. I always had had a tape recorder of my own, which my brother and I would use to make funny tapes and pretend to interview celebrities, but I also made tapes of my favorite songs, as most kids did. I would listen to Casey Kasem’s American Top 40 each Sunday morning in the den – now the radio stations of choice were on FM, like the very new Z-100 and its competitor, WPLJ. I would hold my tape recorder up to the speakers when a song I liked came on. My mother would say something to my father while I was taping and I’d hiss, “Shhhh!” Worse yet, the dog would bark. But I managed to get clean recordings of “Our House” by Madness and “Come On, Eileen.” I was still at the stage when I thought it added something to be a pretend DJ between songs. “That was General Hospi-tale,” I would declare, “a great song about a great show.” Eventually I learned to keep my voice out of it.

By high school, I was tired of hearing the number one song over and over on Z-100 or PLJ, and that was when I discovered another new station – 92.3 K-Rock, which boasted “no repeat Tuesdays” and came up with the phrase “classic rock.” The year before, “We Are the World” had come out, and there were supposedly-legendary voices in it whom I’d never heard of, like Bob Dylan (“Who’s Bob Die-lan?” I had thought when I’d read the articles). Now, on K-Rock, songs by Dylan played regularly. There were pieces from the Who’s “Tommy,” a movie my brother and I had seen because he was into video games and pinball, as well as older songs by that guy who had sung the recent hit “Let’s Dance,” David Bowie. There was a whole world of music I hadn’t known.

By then, I had acquired, for my birthday, my own stereo with a vaunted “dual cassette deck,” so I could actually put the tape into a tape player and it would record directly from the radio. No more interference or holding a machine up to the speakers. There was so much classic rock that was new to me that I filled up tapes quickly.

When I got to college, there were a great many songs I had liked but had never gotten the chance to tape. Invariably, someone on the floor had the song I wanted, so I would tape it. I’d always liked Sting’s now-very-dated song “The Russians” (“Mr. Reagan says he will protect you, I don’t subscribe to this point of view…I hope the Russians love their children too.”) My R.A., Ammar, had “Dream of the Blue Turtles” on cassette, so I got to add “The Russians” to my tape. Any song I wanted was somewhere on my floor.

After I graduated in the early nineties, most of the music was dance, rap or grunge. It seemed like re-treads, but there would occasionally be a song that amused me – maybe an Ace of Base goodie or U2’s “One” or Mr. Big’s “To Be with You.” But it would be rare for me to run to the stereo and hurriedly press record like I used to. My tapes filled up much less quickly.

I thought about all this the other day – and not because we’ve eased into a time when kids can download almost any song you want. I thought of this because the tape now in my stereo is labeled in silver marker, “1999-2000.” And only one side is filled up. Only forty-five minutes of songs in the past five years have thrilled me enough to tape. Of course, I do buy CD’s occasionally, and someday I’ll even get around to learning how to download stuff. But there is so little that is new to me.

I still have a wooden tape holder filled with almost forty tapes I made back in the day. I know that nowadays, kids don’t have to wait around with a tape recorder to nab the song they want. It’s no longer much of a struggle to find out who sings what. And I continue searching for new bands and genres I haven’t really considered in order to strike the chord of excitement I used to have when I was a pre-teen. Even if it takes a long time, though, I will always love listening to those old tapes, the ones created with dog barks and bad DJ interruptions and squawks, because they remind me of the pre-internet era when music was less accessible but still oh so wonderful.

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work.

I didn't have time to do any writing Friday or yesterday, so I caught up today. It's another cloudy drowsy day here. Sometimes I refer to them as "clousy."

"Why have a white Christmas when you can have a Brown Christmas?" - ABC commercial for Charlie Brown Xmas specials.

I don't know; that sounds really gross.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

I got a new Amazon review of Carrie Pilby: "this book was great. i totally identified with carrie. a must read for loner depressed people."

I sent it to my editor. It should go on the back of the paperback in September!

Daaaamn!

Three months before Red Dress Ink published my first novel, Carrie Pilby, they published Lynn Messina's Fashionistas. It's being made into a movie. Most books that get optioned don't get made, but this one is, and check this out....

OK, uh, mine's next, right?! ;)

I love when dogs do this. Or is it the seething underbelly of politics?

I gave William Hung's Christmas CD to the office grab bag. It went over well, causing much laughter. There were 32 people participating, and I was the one accused of doing it.

Woke up, got dressed, went to work.

A man and two friends picked up a stray cat and videotaped themselves hanging it from a noose, slitting its throat, beating, disemboweling it and skinning it. Then they entered the video in the Toronto International Film Festival. It was to be an "art project" showing the hypocrisy of killing some animals for meat and not others. The guys got jail time. This was in the most recent Associated Humane Society issue of the Humane News. There are always horrible stories in there, but at least the perpetrators were brought to justice.

I've been promising to post a few things from people that I haven't gotten to. So here is where I clean it all up.

From Wes:

"In response to Dawn's link about the red states being more charitable:
A.) WorldNetDaily is NOT a credible source. But...
B.) ...even if it is true -- and assuming the Catalogue for
Philanthropy rankings accurately convey the reality of the situation
-- it's not so surprising. After all, the vast majority of the Bush
supporters in those states are not the cold-blooded, money-grubbing,
policy-making Republicans with whom you're familiar. They're our good
and pious "values voters" -- and, as such, we'd expect them to donate
to (Christian) charities on a larger scale. After all, faith without
works is dead.
C.) Republicans and Bush supporters are not the ONLY people living in
those states, and it's not as if Bush won 100% of the vote in all of
the red states. In order for those states to rank as highly as they
did in the overall listing, I imagine that a significant portion of
those red state contributions would had to have come from blue voters
as well. And...
D.) ...that works both ways -- so it may be the case that, in the blue
states, the greedy, corporate Republicans are dragging the overall
numbers down.
*takes a bow*"

C.G. writes:

"Dear Caren:
It's logical that Red States would have higher per capita charitable giving (or, more accurately, reported giving as per their income tax returns - the data for the survey) because of what they give to their churches. And no one questions the devotion of many Red State people to religion-based causes. If the Government ever gets honest, it will cap or eliminate deductions to churches."
 
Another reader, J.D., has an idea. He wants there to be a way that you can donate candy to poor kids on Halloween...

"yes, there's a thousand obstacles -- Internet access, how would we get the candy to them, etc...  Maybe they could go to oversea companies or universities, or churches or the red cross...  Maybe to the home of anyone who has a computer.  Maybe candy companies could give out vouchers.   (Yes, it does take a leap of faith, but close your eyes and picture thousands and thousands of kids who have nothing all lining up with their homemade costumes to Trick or Treat on Halloween -- all around the world.)  Perhaps your readers could shoot it down or make it a do-able idea..." 
 
Finally, M.S. sends a sad and well-written reflection from his own blog.

OK, all done.

I've been working heavily on the Pilby sequel for the last few weeks, especially this past weekend. It's not like I want to go anywhere anyway with the frozen rain that's coming down. (Yeah, you know I love it!)

Pilby 2 is very different to work on than Novel 3...the Pilby sequel has more dialogue and certainly much more humor. It's moves faster, it's more airy. It's coming along. My deadline to hand it in is Jan. 1. It will be out in a collection of three holiday novels next November 1. The other two center on Hannukah and Christmas, and mine will be the third one, the New Year's one. I've been jokingly calling it "A Very Pilby New Year" but that's not going to fly.

I do want to get back to Novel 3. My agent has read it and said she is doing a second read so she can give me suggestions. Nowhere in her e-mail did it say, "You're a genius. This is going to make us all rich, rich, I tell you!!!" I didn't expect that. The thing needs work, and I'm glad to put in as much work as it takes, however long it takes. I really care about the story.

In other news, a kind man named Randy wrote to ask me to update the Barometer Blog, so I did. How neglectful I have been!

Hannukah is tomorrow, which means that some of us have gotten most of our holiday shopping and gift-giving taken care of already. It's like being accepted into college Early Decision - all your work is done while you watch the rest of the world struggle and suffer. But alas, it's not over yet. My office grab bag is Wednesday. I have a good joke gift to put in (although not quite as funny as the thong someone contributed a few years ago). Other parties are coming up. Being a big eggnog fan, it's expected that I contribute a quart of the slow, tasty stuff. So I will.

I noticed a few of my friends updated their blog entries, so it's not fair for me to never update. So, OK. I went to see a production of "Fiddler on the Roof" recently w/my dad and half-sis. Fiddler is too long a production for it to be a fave of mine (three hours), but they asked me to go, so I did. I was wearing my "Will Write for Food" cap and for the first time ever, a guy took me up on my offer. He was a handsome blue-eyed guy with a great hair, and he was with his pretty girlfriend, who he had recently asked to marry him. He said if I came up with a love poem, he'd buy me a Kit-Kat at intermission.

So my half-sis (who's 12) and I grabbed some notebook paper and cobbled one together. The playhouse was on Livingston Avenue, keep in mind.

LOVE POEM

I want to live in sin with you
Here on Livingston Avenue
I look at you with eyes of blue
And can't wait to hear you say "I do."
As we enjoy "Fiddler on the Roof,"
I hope you'll excuse my simple goof
of not offering additional proof
Of how much I really love you...f.

We got the Kit-Kat.

On another note, my half-sis knows the words to Outkast's "Hey Ya," the big hit from last year. I've heard it a lot but never really paid attention to the words. She was in the car singing:

I...I...don't want to meet your Momma.
I just want to make you Com-a.

That's really rude!

Happy Hannukah to all my Joo-ish friends. Ah, this is even easier than e-cards!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Amazingly, I predicted this yesterday!

Woke up, got dressed, went to work.

Tune in tomorrow when I do it all again!

I got some nice e-mails about Carrie Pilby over this weekend, after not having gotten any in a few months...I guess people had some chance to catch up on their reading this weekend. Give the gift of Pilby. That reminds me I have to finish the sequel for next year's holiday novella collection, to debut Nov. 2005.

Welcome back to waking up, putting on clothes, and going to work! It's Monday and I hope the turkey has digested well.

I finally finished edits on this draft of the third novel. I've been working on parts I and II in separate files, and over the weekend, I finally fused them together into a whole for the first time (evidence). I kept peeking at pages and finding new mistakes, but at least there's nothing to make me cringe (that's a crucial test. It takes a while to get it to the point where I've excised all the stuff I don't like).

It came out to 359 pages, believe it or not. Appox. 90,000 words.

There's still plenty of work ahead, but it's a great relief to have finished a draft after thinking about it for years and tinkering with it for many years more. The germ has germinated.

Next step: My lit agent will look at it, let me know what she thinks is worth changing and worth keeping, and I will go from there. I have a sense of what parts need work, but I didn't want to change anything else without professional wisdom, lest I cut out the best parts due to overediting.

Oh, the Giants lost, but we enjoyed going to the game anyhow. (That's American football, for European readers.)

And to the guy who complained about blogs: I don't think 1/2 of the world cares about this!!!

This is MY kind of weather - pouring rain, strong winds. And yet I am going to the Giants/Iggles game later.

I got this e-mail yesterday from someone I don't know:

Ya know, I'm really not trying to be a shit, but all this blogging...expain the attraction to the author ...what ever happened to diaries, and journals? pen and paper people!!! Why does one half of the people on the planet seem to think that the other half is interested in their every waking thought. DS.

I wrote back:

Why are you reading them?

I haven't heard back yet.

But actually, he makes an odd assumption. I don't think any of us believe half the world wants to read what we write. It's not as if there are only seven addresses on the internet and this is how each of us uses ours. The people who find their way here are either friends or people who for some reason were interested in my writing. I don't put every waking thought here, except, "Woke up, put on clothes, went to work." And I do keep a paper journal. Which is even more boring.

Funny Yahoo headline: U.S. marks holiday with parades, football

Oh, from now on, you may call me...

Erin Blogovich.

Just kidding. I came up with that last night at dinner. I checked the internet and no one else has used it! Shhhocking. Usually, someone else has come up with almost everything.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

You may have noticed that I haven't even had time to update this in a few days. Also, large amounts of e-mail have collected in my box. I'm trying to catch up, but work is keeping me busy.

I am thankful for all of you who are friends, and for all who are acquaintances and also those who are just blog readers.

Right now, it's dark and rainy outside. I'm thankful I'm inside someplace where it's warm and bright. I hope you are. Have a great turkey or Tofurkey, you turkeys.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

So I sit down and read a page of my book and then make a bunch of changes in pen. Then I put them into the computer and print them out. The next day I read the page again and put it all back to the way it was. Then I think about it at night and I realize I shouldn't have put it all back. So I undo the changes. And on and on.

I lack the distance to know. I can't read this book anymore. It will go to someone who can tell me objectively whether it's in good shape the way it is, or if it needs more work.

Soon.

Wes created this lovely artwork of me...if only I looked that good!

The Daily News and Post today had similar covers...with one difference. They both had Spongebob Squarepants movie icons on top of the page. The Daily News' main story was "FOWL FIENDS FOUND." The Posts's is "FOUL SHOT."

However, the Post story is about the Knicks, while the News' story is about a woman who was sent to the hospital because a gang threw a 20-pound turkey through her windshield.

HISTORIC TECHNOLOGY MOMENT

I just got an e-mail from my father....and it included the phrase...

"LOL" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

This morning, on the way to work, the local crossing guard (a lovely person) stopped me at the corner to tell me all about the book she's been reading on the Clintons.

HER: Hillary Clinton did some teeeeerrible things.
ME: Oh, it's probably written by some Republican who's out to get her.
HER: No, this is her friend! Hillary doesn't have a good attitude toward single parents. It says she's always trying to be like Queen Noor, and it doesn't work. And she lets Bill Clinton get away with everything!
ME: At least she tried to keep their marriage together.
HER: Did I tell you about the letter I sent her? What happened?
ME: No.
HER: I e-mailed Hillary Clinton a letter and I said, 'You should smack Bill across the face on national TV. That would solve all the problems.' And she had her secretary write back to me. And her secretary wrote back two words: 'Good idea.'

I have asked to see a copy of this e-mail, but she says her hard drive got switched and bla bla bla bla...

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Ned Vizzini's great book 'Be More Chill' got named Book of the Month on the Today Show this morning by the venerable Judy Blume...watch what this does for its Amazon ranking!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

I heard back from Kingsley.

DEAR,

please call me on ( 22507258813 ) u know there is war in
my country i will like you to call me first so i will know
what next to do bye

THANK's
KINGSLEY

please you can call me on ( +22507495921 ) so you will
contact me please await your call

I wrote back:

It's starting to sound like a scam, but good luck with everything, and God bless.

Hey, the guy has to make a living too.

I got through another edit of the book this weekend. Now I have to do the worst part: Print it out and read through it, making corrections, and then input them. Ewww. Takes forever.

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work.

Rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard is dead at 35.

Is it me, for a moment?

Okay, so someone actually got offended that I took the blog link off my main page. You can still find it here. It wasn't because I don't like you. I just figured that people who Google me should come to the regular page first and not develop preconceived notions by finding the blog next - it only tells a little part of me, and there's so much I don't put on here. I always fear people will think that the characters in my books are based on me next, or that they know me just by reading the blog. In any case, it's not you.

Dawn sends this link showing that people in Bush states gave more money to charity. #1 is Mississippi. I don't get it!

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work.

I know I've gotten so off-schedule I haven't been writing that. Anyway...

I got a small marigold-colored envelope from Newsweek saying "LAST CHANCE" in red in the cellophane window. I thought to myself, "I know I would have renewed that." I looked at my copy of Newsweek to see how soon it expires. The date for my subscription to expire is October...2006!!! So I opened the envelope. It says, "LAST CHANCE...YOU MUST ACT NOW TO USE YOUR SPECIAL 2-FOR-1 OFFER."

Newsweek, kiss my grits. Don't send me nonsense to threaten me! Can you imagine if I didn't know to look on the address label of my magazine to see how much time is left? It's not as if you tell me anywhere when you send me these offers. If I was a naieve old lady I would have renewed and probably had a subscription until 2025. I like your magazine, but give me a break.

Anyway, the offer says I have until Dec. 15, so that's like another month.

Wait...I just looked at it again, and I can get a year PLUS a bonus gift of a year to a friend for $41.08 total. That is a pretty good offer, actually.

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work.

I know I've gotten so off-schedule I haven't been writing it. Anyway...

I got a small marigold-colored envelope from Newsweek saying "LAST CHANCE" in red in the cellophane window. I thought to myself, "I know I would have renewed that." I looked at my copy of Newsweek to see how soon it expires. The date for it to expire is October...2006!!! So I opened the envelope. It says, "LAST CHANCE...YOU MUST ACT NOW TO USE YOUR SPECIAL 2-FOR-1 OFFER."

Newsweek, kiss my grits. Better yet, ---- you. Don't send me threatening crap. Can you imagine if I didn't know to look on the address label of my magazine to see how much time is left? It's not as if you tell me anywhere when you send me these crappy offers. If I was a naieve old lady I would have renewed and probably had a subscription until 2015. I like your magazine, but give me a break.

Anyway, the offer says I have until Dec. 15, so that's like another month.

Wait...I just looked at it again, and I can get a year PLUS a bonus gift of a year to a friend for $41.08 total. That is a pretty good offer, actually.

Scam e-mail post of the day

I actually decided to answer a scammy-looking e-mail. Here is the conversation so far:

HE WROTE:

DEAR,

IN BRIEF INTRODUCTION,I MR KINGSLEY APETTE, THE DIRECTOR IN CHARGE OF AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING SECTION OF BANK OF AFRICA ABIDJAN COTE D'IVOIRE (BOA-CI ABIDJAN, COTE D'IVOIRE,FORMELY KNOWN AS IVORY COAST IN WEST AFRICA.

WITH DUE RESPECT AND REGARDS, I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU
ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION....

MY DEPARTMENT CAME ACROSS A HUGE SUM OF MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED PERSON, MR LEONARD.P.SMITH ,AN AUSTRALIAN CITIZEN WHO DIED IN 11 SEPTEMBER 2001 WORLD TRADE CENTER ATTACK ...MR SMITH HAD BEEN A MILLIONAIRE RANDY BACHELOR AND ALSO A WEALTHY LEATHER, TEXTILE AND SEA FOODS IMPORTER IN COTE D'IVOIRE.

I WROTE BACK:

Sounds good, Kingsley - Just send me the money.

HE WROTE:

then help me in the transfer call me on ( +22507495921

I WROTE BACK:

OK, give me your phone card number and I will call on your dime!

I haven't heard back yet.

It's a dark and stormy night.
And I'm going home to write.

But before I forget, I must thank the entrants to the poetry contest:

Wendy:

With enough tequila,
Cindy Crawford
Would look like Bob Vila

With enough wine,
Michael Jackson
Would look just fine.

With enough Merlot,
Willie Nelson
Would look like J-Lo.

With enough martinis,
Rush Limbaugh,
Would look like Isabella Rossolini.

Jon:

With enough crack
Gary Coleman
would look like Shaq

and finally,

Lorne:

With enough gin,
Cujo would look like
Rin Tin Tin

Thanks to all!

A garbage truck is rumbling by. For a moment, it blocked the reflections of my neighbor's white Christmas lights glowing in the windows of the store across the street. Only 45 shopping days left...

I just finished reading a book. One of the aspects of the job of being a writer - if I'm allowed to claim that it's at least my part-time job - is reading. I can't complain about it. In fact, I will never complain about the fact that I make money writing. It's what I've wanted to do since I was 12, and more importantly, it justifies my...er...idiosyncracies.

But I mentioned it to point out that the job of a writer isn't just getting up in one's underwear and writing, although, as I said, I could never complain about any of it. Besides reading to keep up with the market and to learn more about writing, it happens from time to time that I am asked to blurb someone else's book. It's flattering for another author to think that a reader would care what I think. Recently, I was asked to write a blurb for the second novel by an author whose first novel I really loved. So I said I'd love to do it, but I've sent her e-mails every few days saying, "I really will get to it. I swear!" To read it, I knew I'd need at least a three-hour stretch of time (I read fast if it's good), and any three-hour stretches in the last month have been spent tinkering with my own 90,000-word bundle o'joy. So I set aside tonight to sit by the fire and read this book.

It's good. It's heartfelt and sweet and suspenseful. But how do you say that in two or three sentences and not write the same thing that everyone else has written? How do you avoid cliches?

It's sort of like the food reviews I've had to write from time to time. There just aren't enough adjectives. "Tasty" and "savory" and "succulent" can only go so far.

I sent her a quote or two saying how I feel, but I told her to let me know if she wants me to fiddle with it some more. Amazing that writing fifteen words can be so hard for someone who's been playing with 90,000.

Hello to whoever it was that viewed my blog from the Princeton U. library last night. Nice campus!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

I got a good night's sleep last night! AND I went to sleep at a reasonable hour! Hold all applause.

I've given myself a deadline of the end of this month to finish book revisions. Next I give it to my ag*nt, who will undoubtedly have more suggestions before we even try to sell it. So this could all take more months. That's why time is of the essence now, because when late spring comes around, people start going on vacations and you can't get two editors in a room to agree to buy something. I'm trying to go for this cycle.

The barometer is rather high today...if you have a headache, it may be due to high air pressure. Or it might just be your boss.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

I'm finally getting some stuff done that too me a while to get to. That means I'm not at trivia right now.

'Gong Show' alum Chuck Barris will be reading from his new book at the KGB bar (which often has readings) in the East Village this Sunday at 7 p.m. I'd go if I didn't have to do book stuff all weekend, but I thought anyone with as strange a sense of humor as I have might want to know about it.

Sarah posted some photos of the '80s prom. I'm in some of them dressed like a nerd, which is probably what I would have looked like had I gone to my own prom.

There's a manuscript I have to read and write a blurb on, and it's by an author whose first book I really liked, and that's another thing I need to get to, but I'm looking forward to it - I just need the time. If I revise my book tonight and tomorrow night, I can start reading Thursday.

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work.

I feel like it's Christmas morning. Probably just because it's nearly freezing out.

Even though I pledged to stay in and write all weekend, I did have to get out for two hours when a friend had free tickets to an interactive musical called the "Awesome '80s Prom." Everyone was there - the nerd, the criminal, the jock, the principal, and at the end of the night, there was a vote for Homecoming king & queen. Lots of fun photos were taken, which I can't download because installing the camera software crashes my computer (as seen in earlier posts), but I'll put some up from work. I brought my Rubik's Cube and nerd glasses, and I wasn't alone!

Someone asked me yesterday if writing can be called my job if I "enjoy it so much." Sometimes I enjoy it the way you enjoy it when someone is slamming a hammer into your head and it stops - what I enjoy is finally getting some story out of my system before it kills me, and seeing how it takes shape. Plus, the black-and-white cookies. Speaking of which, it's time.

Woke up, put clothes on, went to work.

I added a post yesterday, but I'm not sure it went up. If I am repeating, I'll just erase it later - so don't you worry! It's below.


>>I apologize to those whose posts I said I'd link to in the last week and didn't. I have to put the poem responses up, as well as one more link, and then I think I'm ok.

Rachel-Rose wrote in again to say that she has found out that Kerry actually did go to church services on Sunday before campaigning.

Here's one more reaction from an anonymous friend:

"Democrats do need to get in touch with the religious convictions of an incredibly large (and apparently actively voting) segment of society. Democrats should be embarrassed that they cannot win the poorest states in the deep South; those people are putting their belief that the Republicans stand for morals ahead of their economic needs (fairer tax system, health care, etc.). The Democrats have to stop nominating egghead Northerners (Dukakis, Kerry). They need to nominate candidates who can HONESTLY talk about how their faith inspires their beliefs. I'm sure Jesus would agree that starting wars against nations that do not pose a threat is "unChristian." As you point out, there is also a strong moral (and I would urge a Democrat to say, "Christian") basis for a fairer tax system and aid to the poor. I don't know if the abortion/gay rights things can be cast in "christian" tones, but ... The last time there was liberal change in America it was accomplished in the 1960's, largely through religious leaders like MLK. If the god-talk turns off some swing voters in Maine and New Hampshire but inspires voters in Ohio, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Missouri . . . it is a trade off worth making. It will take a couple of election cycles for the Democrats to be perceived as being honest about these religious issues. (And it is unlikely that northeasterns would find the godtalk so unappealing that they vote Republican instead; they'll hold their nose and vote for the liberal.)

"I find it shocking that Republicans have so cornered the market on morals. Does anyone think John Kerry wants more s*x on television? Is that part of his platform? Does he want people to use drugs? Does he want to increase the number of abortions? Does he want to turn your kids gay?

"In eight years, Edwards, or someone like him, will be a viable candidate. The Democrats CANNOT nominate Hillary for the presidency, or they'll lose again. The Democrats should also see if they can get the first primaries out of Iowa and New Hampshire."

I apologize to those whose posts I said I'd link to in the last week and didn't. I have to put the poem responses up, as well as one more link, and then I think I'm ok.

Rachel-Rose wrote in again to say that she has found out that Kerry actually did go to church services on Sunday before campaigning.

Here's one more reaction from an anonymous friend:

"Democrats do need to get in touch with the religious convictions of an incredibly large (and apparently actively voting) segment of society. Democrats should be embarrassed that they cannot win the poorest states in the deep South; those people are putting their belief that the Republicans stand for morals ahead of their economic needs (fairer tax system, health care, etc.). The Democrats have to stop nominating egghead Northerners (Dukakis, Kerry). They need to nominate candidates who can HONESTLY talk about how their faith inspires their beliefs. I'm sure Jesus would agree that starting wars against nations that do not pose a threat is "unChristian." As you point out, there is also a strong moral (and I would urge a Democrat to say, "Christian") basis for a fairer tax system and aid to the poor. I don't know if the abortion/gay rights things can be cast in "christian" tones, but ... The last time there was liberal change in America it was accomplished in the 1960's, largely through religious leaders like MLK. If the god-talk turns off some swing voters in Maine and New Hampshire but inspires voters in Ohio, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Missouri . . . it is a trade off worth making. It will take a couple of election cycles for the Democrats to be perceived as being honest about these religious issues. (And it is unlikely that northeasterns would find the godtalk so unappealing that they vote Republican instead; they'll hold their nose and vote for the liberal.)

"I find it shocking that Republicans have so cornered the market on morals. Does anyone think John Kerry wants more s*x on television? Is that part of his platform? Does he want people to use drugs? Does he want to increase the number of abortions? Does he want to turn your kids gay?

"In eight years, Edwards, or someone like him, will be a viable candidate. The Democrats CANNOT nominate Hillary for the presidency, or they'll lose again. The Democrats should also see if they can get the first primaries out of Iowa and New Hampshire."

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Blog responses:

"Hi, Caren: Just want to tell someone in media that "moral" issues go across a broad spectrum for many of us. In your blog yesterday, you said:
"you can't pass judgment on someone until you've talked to him/her or walked in his/her shoes."

"Well, I am one who HAS walked in almost all of the shoes, from poverty to very close relationships with gays of both genders, to promiscuity to radicalism to Black Panthers to activism and living in the inner city to housing the mentally ill, and more. I know what it is like to have to go to the emergency clinic and wait all day, then to get hasty and unsanitary care. I know what racism is like, against me and my children. I still care about all the people involved in all these experiences, and my husband, myself and my children still give volunteer time and money to help the needy.

"BUT: What the liberal media and Hollywood still cannot understand is that Main Street America, which includes many poor and minorities (believe it or not) still believe in a family consisting of a father (faithful and effective, a leader and moral guide in the family), a mother (nurturing and all of the above), and (hopefully) children, with whom the parents stay for the rest of all of their lives. We do not like media nudity and foul mouths forced on our young children, nor do we like for them to be constantly tempted and taunted by irresponsible and meaningless sexual acts on TV, in magazines at the checkout counter at a child's height, etc.

"Most importantly, we can see through public personalities. We have had a long time to look at W and Laura and they pass inspection. Bush is known by friends and enemies alike as a warm, likeable and sincerely faithful guy. Hey, Bush never campaigned on a Sunday. He went to church. Kerry, who described himself as a deeply "faithful" Catholic, was never seen in his church or any anonymous Catholic church on Sundays. He was out early, campaigning, unless, of course, he was speaking in a Black evangelical church, praying that we "walk in the footsteps of the Lord". God is good. God is now _carrying_ that little wounded lamb in His footsteps. My heart goes out to Kerry. Kerry and Terry just didn't understand that a lot of us don't adulate intellect without sincerity of spirit. We love the ones who "walk their talk".

"And, yes, there is a commandment that supercedes all. I refer you to James Kushiner's essay in Touchstone Magazine, October, 2004: "First Things First". i cannot speak for all who voted for Bush, but I am a "Lifer" and, to me, that also means I am for gun control laws and against the death penalty. The War in Iraq is complicated, and I don't think that turning tail now is the best solution to terrorism and senseless wicked violence against humanity. Terrorism is the  biggest threat today, because we have no clear solutions. We DO have solutions to late-term abortions-on-demand.

"I think Abe Lincoln was right: You can't fool all of the people all of the time, even with George Souros, Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand, Dan Rather, Jay Leno, Jimmy Carter, and so on.

"Thank you for the hearing. I held all of your views and I understand where your good heart comes from. I walked in those moccasins, and you and I have much more in common than what is discussed in this e-mail.

"Love, Rachel-Rose

Fair enough. I'm glad you've walked in those shoes - I don't know if you represent the majority, and I hope that in conversation with fellow conservatives, you'd make some of your experiences clear, particularly if they bash minorities or the poor. But a few questions: 1. If you've hung out with people who are gay, do you think they chose their lifestyle, or do you want them to deny their feelings? 2. How is that going to get health care to the poor? Here is another comment:

"Health care should be a right, not a privilege. Everyone should be
eligible for the best health care available. Healthy 'choices' should be
encouraged, though they just stated vegetables won't keep the cancer
away.  I fail to see how this can be argued with, though some people do
argue with me about it. Why does Orrin Hatch have better health care
than me? Why is he better?

"Then again I don't go to clubs because I will have nothing to do with
the velvet rope rule that says Jeter gets in ahead of me.

(ed. note: See, that's the difference between a right and a privilege.)

"I was laid off last week but my health care will continue for a year and
a half or until I enter a new plan. I'm lucky. Some people who are laid
off have their health care cut off. Shouldn't happen in the USA.

"How do you pay for it? Taxes. And the rich people should pay a lot more.
Again why is this a point of argument?" - K

I don't know. Hopefully Bush will think about this.

These are important issues. But while we get lost debating the moral, is Bush going to protect our nuclear power plants and container ports, or is that going to get lost in the hubbub?

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...the barometer in my apartment is 29.6 and rising, and it's wet and windy out.

Also, last call for mistakes you found in Carrie Pilby. (Besides that it got published - ha ha ha, you so funny). E-mail lizzner@aol.com.

New York City, election night

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

It's Thanksgiving weather today - white sky, 40 degrees out, no wind.

Two days stand between me and working on my book again. I think it should be ready to show my ag*nt in a month. (I know that sounds snobby.) Part of my mentioning the book in these entries carries another motive - sometimes friends believe I'm ignoring them, that I could write anytime, so how dare I turn down invitations? But I can't write anytime. I'm on a deadline (I'll explain later) and I can't write Monday through Friday. So time is limited.

Onward...Dawn, whose pre-election writing has mainly focused on Planned Parenthood's govt funding, criticized my political assertions from yesterday. Here's her response.

My comment was simply that an exit poll showed what was foremost on Middle America's minds - "moral issues," not Iraq. Dawn says liberals don't understand how important moral issues are in Middle America - well, I was saying the same thing. But my comment "I guess you don't understand it if it doesn't happen to you" can go for having a kid who's gay or a moral situation, too. Not just terrorism.

Of course I understand that moral issues are important. I don't want my kids to feel forced to grow up at 13. I also don't want my kids to believe that homosexuality is a bad choice people make because they're bored (and that's why Kerry brought up Cheney's daughter - because why the hell would Cheney's daughter make such a 'choice'?) I also don't want my kids to believe that if you're wealthy and healthy, it's because you worked hard and made good choices, and if you're not, it's because you're lazy and made bad choices. I want my kids to believe that people deserve at least a chance to get out of whatever bad situation they're in, that they all deserve basic health care if they're sick, and that you can't pass judgment on someone until you've talked to him/her or walked in his/her shoes.

My entry yesterday pointed out that Middle Americans, in an exit poll, said moral issues were more important than the others. Maybe Dawn is right - maybe liberals need to understand and take more seriously what is going through their minds, instead of saying, "Let me do what I want in my own bedroom." I don't want Bush telling me what to think, and they don't want Hollywood & Michael Moore telling them what to think. But can they be talked with? I always say, during political arguments, that I'm willing to listen to the other side and be convinced if I'm wrong. I imagine that Dawn agrees on that. Hopefully more of a dialogue will start now rather than just reactionary, scared palaver.

I'd like to ask Dawn, though, whether it's moral for someone to not be able to have health care because they lost their job or can't afford it. (Not everyone is eligible for Medicaid.) Then, I want to know what Bush is going to do about it. This is at least as important as other moral issues.

ABC News says that their exit polls in the heartland show that moral issues were their most important issues when voting, and Iraq is down around fourth. These folks aren't as worried about being hit by terrorists or the war in Iraq as they are about abortion and gay marriage? Actually, not surprising on certain levels. To some people, if it hasn't hit you directly, it doesn't exist.

Am still up, have on clothes, will have to go to work in five or six hours.

No matter who wins, it doesn't have to change who we are - at least, not for the worse. If Bush wins, and you're a Bush fan, don't take it as a license to be selfish, greedy or ignorant. I feel like I should add an "If Kerry wins," but it seems unlikely.

I'll be happy with whoever wins as long as they keep us from getting bombed. But of course I have my preference. ;)

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Here are the letters in NEW YORK about trivia night.

I added some stuff to yesterday's entry besides the selfish book stuff.

Happy Election Day!

Bumper sticker I just spotted outside:

LICK BUSH AND DICK
IN 2004

ALSO: Trivia is canceled this week (Nov. 2) due to election day. It resumes next week. And we ARE having it Thanksgiving week, too. But not this week.

There are two letters in NEW YORK Mag this week criticizing the Amy Sohn column on trivia nights.

Happy November!

An announcement and request.

In September of 2005, Carrie Pilby will come out in a smaller paperback version. Thanks to anyone reading this who bought it, because you contributed to the sales, which resulted in the new edition. Thank you!!

Now, if you happened to notice a typo in the one you read (like frinstance, on page 77, there's a period after "At nine o'clock," where a comma should be), and you circled it, let me know. I'm lobbying to have those fixed. I have about five I need to fix, but there could always be one or two I missed. Just if you happen to remember.

Thank God for Daylight Savings Time, because that way I can say I only stayed up until 6 a.m. writing this morning, instead of 7 a.m. I don't quite know how that happened, but there was chocolate involved.

Speaking of which, happy Halloween!

I think I should probably get some sleep. Night, all.

Woke up, put onmunchmunchmunchmunchmmmgobblegobble gobble.

Happy Halloween!

A friend of mine says he's going to an election party Tuesday thrown by "votergasm," a group that you can join by taking a pledge not to have sex with people who don't vote. It's non-partisan. It seems like the key is, though, if you meet someone, don't let on that you're a member of the group before asking if they voted. Because if they know, they'll just lie. Hint: If they say they voted for Jim Carey, don't do the nasty.

We have gotten some excellent contributions to the poetry contest. I haven't had a chance to post them, but I will. To all who submitted - you're brilliant.

I have also been working on a haiku, but it's one syllable off. My writing group tried to help me alter it, but I didn't like the suggestions.

A plane

Every time a plane
flies over my house, I ask
"Is that the other shoe?"

Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for contacting Dell Technical Support on 10/24/2004 with a question or need from Dell. We appreciate the opportunity to assist you and are interested in your feedback concerning our performance....

A letter we got at the newspaper this week began:

Dear [reporter],

Your spelling is atrochious!

I got one last month that ended,

What school of journalism did you attend so that I can look out for editors of similar ilk?

Sincrely and with nausea,

But this is one of my favorites:

Sept. 11 poem trite

Advice: If you go to a concert where 50 Cent is one of the performers, and he throws his sweatshirt into a crowd, put your hands over your face and be careful not to be trampled.

On another note...hoo boy.

My hours haven't improved much, because I just got home from the Shady National Convention. I was 20 feet away from Shady Party candidate Marshall Mathers. He had this to say:

"My motto in 2004 is, if you can't take a mothafuc*ing joke, then just beat it!"

(He was referring to Michael Jackson.)

I'm going to sleep now.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

I'm lying, as I have done with the above comment almost every time in the past two weeks. I haven't gone home yet. I'm going now. This election has interfered with my daily morning entries! Now it's crossed the line!

I work for a newspaper and we have a lot of election stories and letters to get in. So, I'm at work late. And yes, I have also been working on the novel.

Poetry contest

Okay, there's no prize. But "Anonymous Bob" and I came up with a poem (Bob deserves most of the credit). Feel free to add lines if you come up with good ones:

With enough beers,
Roseanne would look like
Brittney Spears.

With enough rum,
Bea Arthur would look like
Heidi Klum.

With enough sherry,
George Bush would look like
Vanessa Kerry.

With enough brandy
Michael Moore
would look like Mandy.

Today is the Shady National Convention. Guess who's back, back again...

I think it's love.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

A friend of mine e-mailed me to say that she often disagrees with Dawn, but Dawn’s latest posting about Planned Parenthood made her wonder.

Today, Dawn writes about how if you’re 6 years old, you can get into Teenwire and ask questions about sex. Dawn has made other interesting discoveries, like the brightly colored “Size Matters” rulers that Teenwire created for kids to use at school.

I don’t like kids being sexualized. I don’t care what adults do, but kids should be allowed to be kids and grow up at their own rate without pressure. The purpose of Teenwire is to help kids who already are sexually active and have nowhere else to ask questions, and that’s good. But making a kid feel out of place because he or she is NOT ready yet for sex is dumb. And that’s what stuff like the "Size Matters" school supplies collectively does.

But that’s not why I’m bringing all this up.

I bring it up because Dawn writes at the end of today’s entry, “Is that the kind of world that you want to wake up to on November 3? A world where six-year-olds are encouraged to sign up to learn about rubber penises..?”

Here is the problem.

If Kerry gets elected, he is NOT going to support 6-year-olds having sex. That’s ridiculous.

If you are a good parent, you can teach your kid right from wrong. It is also incumbent upon you to teach your kid that the poor and sick shouldn’t suffer excessively just because they are broke. That’s part of family values, too.

Maybe both sides have to do a little more talking to each other and listening if we feel that our very way of life and moral values are at stake. To some, that's the emotional issue that is influencing them more than most others. Even if it shouldn't be.

There much bigger issues at stake right now. Terrorism. Health care. Stem cell research. People who are scared that their moral way of life is threatened are going to let that influence their vote, and I understand that. Maybe liberals should take a stand against extreme programs that contribute to the sexualization of kids. But also, maybe conservatives should not say ignorant things about certain adult lifestyles just because they’re afraid of them.

This election should be about terrorism first and foremost. It should also be about having our government work to make sure people have a fighting chance at life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

But we have a lot of people who fear that morality is being threatened, and then the other side who fears that the government may threaten their right to do whatever they want in their bedrooms.

Joe Schmo who doesn't pay attention to what's really going on may fall for reductive statements like "Is this the world you want to wake up to on Nov. 3?", but it seems more complicated than that. Do people believe that if they vote for a Democrat, kids are going to have sex younger? Do they really believe that heterosexuals will suddenly “choose” homosexuality? Those who are against same-sex marriage have to come up with better reasons for their opposition than just that it scares them.

Maybe a little more discussing and a little less extremism. And better parenting. If you really are concerned that the president has control over whether your kid turns out gay, you are a dope. And you should also be worrying about your kid learning the values of selfishness and greed, or not being able afford health insurance if he's between jobs.

Readings

...On another note, travel writer and blogger Daryl Lang is reading at Barbes tomorrow. Amy Sohn and Jess Liese are also reading. Info here.

MY NEIGHBOR FIXED MY COMPUTER.

I was coming home from trivia and mentioned that I was going to go to work to check my e-mail because my computer froze when I installed new software. I told him Dell said I'd have to reinstall the operating system for four hours. He said he'd be willing to take a look. I was doubtful, but I said it would be great. He brought some disks across the hall, looked some stuff up on his own computer, and fixed it in a half hour. He had to rename the new software something else so my computer wouldn't keep trying to reload it or whatever it was doing.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't do anything drastic without asking a million questions first.

While I was on with Dell, they had me keep holding down either the Ctrl, or the Delete, or the F9 key when I was rebooting to get it to a menu. Ctrl didn't work. Then I remembered that a few years ago, they asked me to do that by tapping it quickly rather than holding it down. I did that, and that got it to the right screen. So even the guy on the phone didn't know enough to give me all the options. He did try to be helpful, though, and was patient.

What frustrates me is that someone more vulnerable might just have listened to them and wasted time. Or someone who hadn't backed up stuff, or wasn't able to go to an office and use that computer instead like I did, might have been really screwed. So if anyone Googles about their Dell problems, I do appreciate that they provide free technical support, but if they tell you to do anything drastic, ask around first.

Thanks to "Bob," Sara (on W.M.'s behalf), Mr. Steele, and others who said that it seemed unlikely that I'd have to reboot the whole OS just due to adding new software.

OK, I know that was boring, but I think it's good to learn from other's mistakes. 1. Back up your stuff. 2. Especially do that before installing anything new. 3. Don't panic if something goes wrong.

On an unrelated note, as I was leaving trivia, I got to pet a Clumber spaniel. It was cute even though it drooled all over my leg. Another girl saw it, too, and we both pummeled the woman who was walking it with questions. Clumbers are mostly in England and there aren't that many in the U.S.

Well, my brilliant idea didn't seem so bright when I had to wake up this morning.

Here's something to shock you out of your slumber. And they used to say young people were apathetic!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Actually, it's 4:30 a.m., and I came in here about 10 p.m. I figured out how to fit in editing, revising the novel, and getting to trivia on time tomorrow. It was -- don't sleep!

But actually I am going to go home now and sleep from 5 to 9 a.m. So if you're going to trivia tonight, I will be there on time after all, and may need to join a team.

It's so much easier to catch up on stuff at work when no one's here and it's quiet. Plus, there's water available and internet access.

Speaking of which, BACK UP YOUR STUFF!!

Oh, I should add that - "in light of this lurid tale" (as Randall says in Clerks) - BACK UP YOUR WORK. E-mail it to yourself and save it on a disk or cd. You may someday get locked on the Windows ME screen and not be able to get out of it.

I tried to install my digital camera software on my computer, and it somehow made the system reboot and then got locked in the second screen after rebooting, which is the Windows Me screen. It sounds like it's rebooting but stays locked on the screen. I was on with Dell for a while and we tried different ways to get into Safe Mode, but it won't get in. They say that it's likely that I'll just have to reinstall the operating system, which takes hours on the phone. It also erases everything on the computer, which isn't so bad because I back things up maniacally, but I'd still like to avoid it if possible. I think every once in a while I'll turn on the computer again to see if it works. I eventually may have to reinstall the OS. The guy on the phone said that Windows Me doesn't provide as many ways to get into the system to erase the new software (which may be corrupting the file) as other programs do. It seems like I should be able to have a way to just get in and erase the new application, which is mucking my my computer, but I can't. So for now, I'm temporarily using a different computer. Anyway, if anyone actually knows about computers and has any other ideas on how to fix this, let me know. But if you really do know something, you probably know that if I can't get into safe mode (when I tried it just went back to the me screen), it's probably hopeless. It's not so bad as I have things backed up. It's just a pain. Dopey software.

Woke up, bla bla bla.

Worked on novel most of Saturday (shock! awe!)

I went to the housewarming party last night for a good friend. The house was definitely warm. I learned two interesting things. One: Apparently, one of the most disgusting websites ever is www.tubg*rl.com, but you have to replace the * with an "i." WARNING: This came up in conversation about "shock" websites, and the two men who were discussing it refused to even explain what it was, for fear of offending everyone at the party. They said it was a woman in a tub, and vomit was involved. So don't go there unless you want to see something shocking. In the end, we nominated someone to look it up on the web in the middle of the party. Reactions ranged from disgust to laughter. I only viewed it from afar.

Second, on the way home (I was lucky enough to get a ride back from Bob), we didn't know which road to take back to Manhattan from Queens. Janet said, "Go right. Know why? Because I just saw a taxi go that way, and why would a taxi not be going back to Manhattan?" Good advice!

I plan to post a photo of the partygoers' feet when I install the software for my beloved new camera.

Plan for today (Sunday): More novel revising!

Woke up, bla bla bla.

Worked on novel most of Saturday (shock! awe!)

I went to the housewarming party last night for a good friend. The house was definitely warm. I learned two interesting things. One: Apparently, one of the most disgusting websites ever is www.tubg*rl.com, but you have to replace the * with an "i." WARNING: This came up in conversation about "shock" websites, and the two men who were discussing it refused to even explain what it was, for fear of offending everyone at the party. They said it was a woman in a tub, and vomit was involved. So don't go there unless you want to see something shocking. In the end, we nominated someone to look it up on the web in the middle of the party. Reactions ranged from disgust to laughter. I only viewed it from afar.

Second, on the way home (I was lucky enough to get a ride back from Bob), we didn't know which road to take back to Manhattan from Queens. Janet said, "Go right. Know why? Because I just saw a taxi go that way, and why would a taxi not be going back to Manhattan?" Good advice!

I plan to post a photo of the partygoers' feet when I install the software for my beloved new camera.

Plan for today (Sunday): More novel revising!

For anyone who doesn't know, I DID tell Amy S. that trivia was nerdy. I meant it in the best possible way, and I think there's nothing wrong with that. So don't blame her!

Wait, what am I saying...I take enough heat for my own articles.

On another note, I revised the first 50 pp. of my book some more this evening. If they were, like, pages 200-250, I wouldn't worry so much. But this is the beginning. I think I'm almost done. I see the light!

Unfortunately, with this much writing, I've been bribing myself with a lot of food all month and I'm turning into a pudge. Starting Nov. 1, it's back on the treadmill. (It wouldn't make sense to do it Oct. 31.)

I briefly turned on one of those reality makeover shows tonight, and it never fails that I thought the person was better looking before the makeover. Also, the surgery victims are always married to husbands who say "I like her just the way she is," but somehow these husbands can't talk their beloveds out of dangerous surgery. I know, I know, it's hard when you have such low self-esteem, and I try not to judge, but I think what bothers me most is the message these shows send. Some of those people could use a new haircut, maybe even something changed, but they don't need to be remodeled like clay. So I wrote down these quotes from the show tonight, in which an elementary school teacher got plastic surgery:

WOMAN WHO GOT SURGERY: My mom has never said 'You're beautiful,' and tonight, she whispered in my ear and what she said was, 'You're beatiful.'

(Great, way to go, Mom. Treat your daughter like crap until she goes under the knife.)

NARRATOR (after the woman went back to teaching and one little kid said she looked 'hot'): "A teacher with a lesson...that dreams can come true!"

Yeah, great.

Finally, I conclude with dialogue from "Life as We Know It" on ABC. This is between Ben, a teenager, and the English teacher he's been fooling around with:

BEN: I want to kiss you so bad right now.
TEACHER: Bad-LY.

(It was funny even though there's a Rodney Dangerfield precedent.)

My Italian penpal, Alex, writes:

Sohn is saying right about it? Who is she? I tred to understand also about the your nerd glasses; what nerd means?

After an explanation, he e-mailed back:

Now I’ve understood a little better!! I’ve read the article of Chris, the co-host with you. And I must say that I am very much with his words, and above all I concern his criticism towards the journalist Amy. This journalist criticized, I believe with a preconception form, what happens in these evenings. Having these such strange evenings and knowing people of this kind and with a few qualities who are often ignored daily...  oh.. it is too fun! But in these evenings, called Trivia Night,  do some competitions take place too to answer several questions, besides to speak and know other nice people?

Suddenly there are a lot of cars on the street outside, and I hear ambulances. People, it's just a baseball game. Don't go beating your wife because the Yankees lost. Geez whiz.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

Going home now to work on the novel. Don't bother me. Don't!!

Trivia went well tonight. Thanks to all who came. I wore my nerd glasses because of the article. My co-host, Chris, did an excellent job and will host again soon. We got some interesting answers to the question "What does Reggie Tongue do for a living?" (He plays football for the Jets.)

Apparently there was also a baseball game going on. My dad concluded an e-mail this morning with this: "Have a good day and root for the Yanks to beat those pesky Sox."

I went to a friend's play after work yesterday, then came home and worked on the novel from about 10 p.m. until 3 a.m. So I think I will go to bed early tonight.

Who let the dogs out? Find out in this top secret report! (Link first via MobyLives.)

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work. [prerecorded cuz I'm up at 12:30 a.m.]

The rain has just begun.

Oh, come all ye geeks! Amy Sohn's article about trivia night is in New York magazine! It's also on the web here.

Will soon wake up, put on clothes, and go to work.

Well, I was off last week working on the novel. The verdict: Still needs a lot more work. Drat and double drat! So I'll keep pounding away.

Check out this really funny flash animation from the National Jewish Democratic Council. What does Bubbie have to say about this election? Find out! More 'toons are coming.

Someone made a really good comment on another blog on Friday. The person was defending his reasons for voting for Bush. The point he made was that moral issues don't matter, the Supreme Court picks don't matter, abortion doesn't matter and gay marriage doesn't matter if we're all blown to bits by terrorists. He thinks Bush is the best person to protect us, and that's why he's voting for him. Someone else responded by saying that Bush WANTS us to think that.

Woke up, put clothes on, didn't go to work.

I like Dawn's response to my response to her response. I don't see mine was a "left-wing blog," since I voted for a Republican once (Frank Rizzo, but he was already dead). I do agree that religious people are sometimes demonized or belittled by the thinking left, and the incident that sparked Dawn's original essay - a public event where there was the implication that anyone supporting Bush was a numbskull - isn't fair either.

I was at a comedy show recently where one of the comedians made some comment that was, in effect, "We're all voting for Kerry, right?" Of course, I live in the NY area and that's a common assumption, but the idea that anyone who is voting for Bush is stupid isn't a fair idea. I think we could have more rational discourse if we could get past all of the screwy assumptions.

I don't like it when people on the right assume that the poor or uneducated deserve to be that way. Comments like that make me angry. Similarly, I don't think it's fair to assume that religious folks are ignorant, hateful, etc. Dawn seems to hold certain moral values near and dear, and I agree that there are moral crises in this country.

We're kind of arguing about abstract, easy ideas here, and I know there are more important things at stake. Nobody reads my blog to hear what I have to say about the war, and I don't think my opinions are that much more insightful than Jenny from the block. (OK, maybe than hers). This blog may be erased before you can say "Google cycle," so catch it while you can.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

DENTIST PERFORMING ROOT CANAL ON ME ON MONDAY: This procedure is fairly routine.
ME: Get it, root-ine?
DENTIST: Yeah, I've done hundreds of them...

And thus, another bad pun dies a quick death.

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work. [Prerecorded.]

Dawn is protesting the assumptions people make about conservatives. Well, maybe I'd like conservatives better if making ignorant assumptions about other people wasn't such a popular practice of theirs. I've found that a lot of regular folks who are conservatives (not all) tend to base their rationale on selfishness or hate. Do you ever hear Democrats saying things against the poor or ill? Things like "They probably got that way due to bad decisions. I don't like supporting them with my tax dollars"? Is it moral to be prejudiced or hateful without actually asking people first how they got into their situation, and to consider whether it might be worth giving them the bare minimum to get back on their feet?

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work.

I've been home writing this week. Right now, all I can safely say is that some of the book works, some of it probably doesn't, and some I just don't know about because I'm not an impartial reader. This morning, I cut a bunch of stuff out of the novel, and then this afternoon I needed to put some of it back in. When that happens, I'm overediting.

At least I finally got to call a plumber for the sink that's been stopped up for a month.

Woke up, got dressed. (Pre-recorded).

Two reactions to the "don't buy electronics on-line" entry. Candee, a talented graphic artist, recommends the site buydig.com to buy digital items and save $$.

Jodi says sometimes if you go in person, they don't have the model you want, and they try to convince you to get an inferior one. Yeah, well, I say that you find the one you want online and then go get it at the store, but I'm an amateur at this.

I'm working heavily on the novel this week. After three years, it's time to finish. But every time I read it, it still seems to need much more work. So, work it will get.

Woke up, got dressed.

Why you should not buy electronics online
A public service message from me.

Yesterday I decided it was finally time to get a digital camera. I've always wanted to have a really good camera with a good zoom and the ability to adjust the shutter speed, even if it cost more. I had already asked Kevin at ForgottenNewYork for a recommendation for a camera with those features that an amateur like me could use, and he recommended this one. I could have bought it on line.

But I don't like that idea. What if I get it and something's missing, or broken? Then I have to put it back in the mail. Besides, I like to try things before buying.

So instead I went to the J&R Computer World in New York, tried a few similar cameras, and bought this one. I was passing the old church on the way back to the WTC PATH station, so I put batteries in and went to take a picture. I looked through the view finder and there was already a frozen image of the graves and trees on the screen. Spooky.

Then the zoom lens moved in and out by itself, and snapped another picture.

Maybe I had done something wrong. I tried to play with it more but it wanted to take its own pictures every six seconds. I pressed "off" a few times before finally it turned off.

I got it home and read the instruction manual. It seemed that I'd done everything right. I called Canon and they suggested trying different batteries, as the ones in the box could have gotten old. I did, but no luck. From their end, they said, I could send it in for repairs. That seemed like a pain since I had bought it two hours ago.

So I took the train back to Park Row and the manager, a very nice guy named Mark, said it wasn't my fault and it looked like there were gremlins in it. He sent me next door, and the guy at the desk said, "I gotta see this. I heard there were gremlins in your camera." He gave me a new camera, and it's been working great.

But if I'd bought the thing on-line and had to mail it back, it would have been a pain.

So moral of the story, don't buy things on line.

Also, crack is wack.

For those who've asked - NO, I would NOT go to a C*ddle Party!

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

It's only fair if really old celebrities who my grandparents cared about die; not ones I know of.

T-shirt someone was wearing in the soup kitchen on Saturday:

A picture of a squirrel with the slogan "Protect Your Nuts."

Woke up, put on clothes, didn't go to work.

Yes, again, that has been pre-recorded.

I have to catch up on a few things. I at least have to mention that last week I went to a debate in which Todd S. tried to convince one of the founders of C*ddle Parties that our society is NOT too s*xually repressed. She said our society IS too s*xually repressed. (And no, my censoring is not a result of such repression, but a result of my not wanting people to find me here while Googling for s*x!!) Anyway, the debate was quite funny. Todd capped it off by revealing that not long ago, a web retailer was selling "Child Pimp & Ho Costumes" on the Web. I find this quite disturbing. I don't care what adults do with each other, but when they start giggling over their cute little 11-year-old ho, there's a problem.

too much editing, wrists hurt.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

That portion of the blog was previously recorded earlier in the morning.

Here's a pretty cool blog by a reader.

Lori wrote: "I just got my brandy new XM Satellite radio receiver
so that I could listen to Opie & Anthony, who are back on the air as
of Monday. Yay, oh happy day! Then, this morning, at 8:30am, Howard Stern announced that he is going to Sirius Satellite radio--XM's competitor when his 15 months are up
on his current contract with Infinity/Viacom!!! What am I going to
do!!!! This is a dilemma!! Am I supposed to buy two satellite radio
receivers and pay for both so I can hear both shows!? Isn't that a bit
excessive?! But I've been listening to Howard since 6th grade!!!
Oh, the humanity!!"

Was that when you weren't listening to Z-100?

Valerie's post reminded me to mention Rodney Dangerfield. My favorite joke of his: "Kids are having sex younger and younger these days. The other day I saw a birth control pill in the shape of Fred Flintstone."

There are now a few more mentions on Google News, all of them saying 6 or 8 minutes ago. The Associated Press has not released it yet. Where are you, guys? You can't have the Atlanta Journal-Constitution beating you!

OK, there is one story on the internet now. CNN wins. Look how much Sirius stock jumped!

It's fun to see news spread. Right now, this is the only story mentioning Sirius Satellite Radio on Google News. I'll update later or tomorrow... (If you can't get into it, it's a Times story.)

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

INTERNET SCOOP: Howard Stern is leaving Infinity Broadcasting after his contract ends in 2006, and intends to go to Sirius Satellite Radio, where he plans to run three channels. He said he's excited about breathing life into this new medium.

I don't know if any of you care, but since it's only a half-hour-old scoop I thought I'd beam it your way.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

A few metro area items to report today. First off, this morning 1010 WINS reported that last night, an armored truck flipped over on the NJ Turnpike and spewed change everywhere. As Adam Sandler says in "The Wedding Singer"...that's information I could have used yesterday!! Also, the Naked Cowboy of Times Square is now in radio ads endorsing Yahoo. Finally, there's an article in the New Yorker this week about a woman whose dog was nearly torn apart by a pack of junkyard dogs who live with an old man in a lot at Ninth Ave and 36th Street. The city has not done anything because no one handles dog-on-dog crime. Other dogs have been attacked, too. This morning it appeared that 1010 WINS has already picked up on the story, so now I'll bet something will be done. People complain about journalism, but the woman who wrote the New Yorker article wasn't getting anywhere no many how many calls she made or dogs were attacked. I'll bet the laws will change now.

Oh yeah? MEOW!! ;)

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work.

They said on the radio that there won't be rain this week. As if that's a good thing.

If you need some great '80s punk to start your Monday, and you're not feeling as patriotic as usual, click on this and click the "Not Proud of the USA" song on the right (by the Mice)...I like it not necessarily because I'm not feeling proud, but it is a fun song. Hey, maybe it will motivate you to vote.

Someone got to this site by putting in "Starting From Square Two lissner sold number of books." Hey, when you find out let me know.

(And if you did that because you're considering the movie rights, well, you should be.)

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work on novel revising.

Top news items on browser homepage: Mt. St. Helen's may blow in hours, and Bill Joel married a 23-year-old. So remember, boys: Practice piano every day, and don't move to the Pacific Northwest.

Woke up, put on clothes, went to work...on the book.

Wes works in a book store and notes that the book I mentioned yesterday was on Oprah, hence its high ranking. It might be fun to read, but could just cause a whole bunch of The Rules-like debates.

In other news, a famous photoblogger with one of the best sites in NY has been goodly enough to submit a list of Zierings! Thank you, Kevin of Forgotten NY!

>>Dawn Wells (Gilligan)
Robin Williams (well, he was never the star of another TV show)
Guy Williams (Lost in Space)
Mike "Touch" Connors (Mannix)
Andrew Shue (Melrose; played pro soccer after show ended)
Frank Bank (Lumpy Rutherford) has rarely appeared in a non Leave It To
Beaver show, though he has been Lumpy in 4 decades
Dustin Diamond (Dustin is unemployable in Hollywood in a non-Screech
role, except when he is boxing Horshack)
The dude who played Arvid on Head of the Class

If you have any doubts about how neurotic women are about men, look at what the number 2 best selling book in the country is.

I just went to the pizza place next door. $3.50 per slice may seem a little much, but it's got chicken parm and broccoli on it. Anyway, they always have the Post and Daily News out to read. Two things from the Post:

1. The articles on the first few pages of the Post overwhelmingly give the debate to Kerry. Wow, did the Post change owners overnight or something? I'm going to e-mail some Posties to see if gremlins got into their newsroom and adjusted the rightist bent.

2. Lisa Minelli is accused of having cheated on her husband by beating up on her chauffeur, too. Allegedly.