Dating

Most people I know have stopped blogging about dating.  Either they aren't dating anymore, or found it counterproductive to actually meeting someone.  

Not long ago, I was looking for something for work and somehow came across this blog by a guy, which details "many reasons why dating sucks."  The blogger actually hasn't blogged in a year, no telling why, but he has a long list of reasons why dating is hard for men.  It's a pretty exhaustive list.  A lot of those rules are also true for women.

I bring this up because a long time ago, The Anony Blogger and I used to argue about why women rarely asked men out.  It took me a while to figure it out, and I had trouble explaining it.

But I think not long ago, I was finally able to formulate my answer.

You see, dating is all about someone getting to know you -- about them getting to know who you really are.

And then hopefully they will like you because of who you are.  Obviously, you put your best foot forward during a date, but it's about them getting to know you.

If you are a shy or somewhat insecure girl, whereever you fall on the shyness scale, the whole prosepect of dating is completely antithetical to your personality.  

So if you actually have to ask a guy out, then the first thing he knows about you is the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHO YOU ARE -- you're showing him how outgoing and in charge you are, when in fact you are shy and a little insecure or quiet.  At a time when it's most important for him to know the real you!!!

If you are shy or insecure, or a little of each, and you have to make a bold move, then you shudder at the realization that this guy now believes you're outgoing and bold.  So he's going on a false impression of you - whether he likes bold girls or not.  So when exactly do you get to settle back in to the real you?  And must you keep up a facade of always doing the asking?

A girl I know used to ask a lot of guys out, but she told me that if they didn't ask her out for the second and subsequent dates, she didn't ask for another, either.  This is basically because she wasn't a bold, outgoing person.  She asked for a first date, but if she was going to have to keep pushing and carrying the load, that's not her personality. 

And so even if she was asking a guy out once, that was the limit of it.  He'd have to ask her the second, third, etc. time until things were a little more stable and relationship-like. 

Let's say you are a normally-kinda-shy girl and you ask a guy out.  It's possible he may be turned off by your outgoing personality.  So that's a problem.  But on the other hand, if he likes your boldness, and it's not your real personality, he may soon not like you when you go back to normal.  So you are asking them out using a borrowed personality.

Asking someone on a date is basically asking someone to focus on you so you can show them your best qualities.  But if you start it with something false, you're starting it on completely the wrong foot.

That's why, as some friends of mine have said before, girls have other ways of "asking."  They might hint or make suggestions that aren't hitting guys over the head.  Like, "Hey, I've been wanting to see Pineapple Express."  Or they might just find a way to strike up a conversation at an event, to make it easier for the talk to turn to exchanging numbers, or going out.

But in that case, guys just sometimes don't catch on, or they complain that that's not overt enough, that girls should come right out and say it.  The fact of the matter is, if you like shy girls, or quiet girls, or girls who are insecure (in other words, not completely in love with themselves), you should come to understand that they may have trouble asking.

So the question is, then, what about shy guys?  Well, same thing.  I'm not saying shy guys have it easier.  But I would guess - and of course, this is not for everyone - guys can ask girls out without girls making as many assumptions about their personality.  A shy guy can ask a girl out and be a little insecure or funny about it, and a girl understands and sometimes is more attracted.  But girls can't really hem and haw and do the kinds of things guys can do if they're shyly asking someone out.  Entire movies are based on guys faltering but still getting the girl because the faltering was kinda cute.  Do you think if a girl presents a rose to a guy and says, "So, kind sir, I'd be honored if you'd go out with me?" it will work?  Well, sure, if he's already attracted to her looks, but it isn't a very female thing to do.

These are all generalizations, and I understand that it's not always true, but I think my main point is just that dating goes against the laws of shyness - for both men and women.  But I'd say a higher percentage of women are shy or insecure (and yes, men who constantly comment on women's bodies and how fat they are are part of that) than men are.  People comment on women's bodies a lot more than on men's and I've heard men say that a girl who is maybe 3 pounds overweight is "fat."  Thus, on the whole, women have a hell of a lot more to be insecure about in dating.  So it's harder for women to ask men out.

Well, just some ruminations.