When I was at the crossroads

A friend of mine recently noted that people only blog when they're upset about something. It's often true of writing in one's journal, too. Through the years, I mostly used my journals to help write out my feelings on things, more bad than good. As a result, most of my journals aren't of great literary quality. There are a few writers whose published diaries are so honest and heartfelt that they're fun to read, like Sylvia Plath's. But in reading hers, you can tell she actually tried to make them well-written. (At least, it seems that way.) I never had the patience - I am pretty sure my jottings won't ever be published.

Anyway, I thought it would be funny to take out my old "One-Year Diary" from when I was 8 or 10 (I got diaries for my birthdays those years) and transcribe a bit of it here, because those diaries are NOT angry - I was too young. They were mostly full of "We went to Wildwood today. The beach was butiful [crossed out] beatifull," which is always fun.

However, I couldn't immediately find them, though I know they're here somewhere. I did open a random journal that turned out to be from when I was 22.

Unsurprisingly, the literary quality was not high. But I did get pretty detailed. Detailed about the holding pattern my life was in. After graduating from college, I was broke, isolated, and desperate to find a job I really loved during an unforgiving economic recession. I didn't know what I would do, who I would love, who I would be, and whom to talk to about any of it.

The thing that saved me was typing skills I had honed since high school, because I knew I needed to get good at typing if I was going to write novels. Even though I couldn't land a publishing job right after college like I wanted, I was pleased that I was accepted for short-term temp jobs based on my typing speed, although they were not very fulfilling.

My only social activity was doing some college-related activities with other recent grads (like attending a Penn/Columbia football game), not because I had had a great time in school, but instead, because I figured maybe the social skills that had eluded me would allow me to enjoy all those college activities now that I was older and wiser. Besides, the only people I knew in the NYC area were two or three people who had graduated with me. There was no internet and not much of a way to make new friends in my new neighborhood.

I was, in other words, at a crossroads, and the journal makes that clear.

Just now, I typed up a few of my sample entries from that journal. These are not indicative of everything that was going on (I'm cutting out some family stuff below), but...a pretty good account of a recently graduated English major in Generation X...

8/26 10:28 AM Natalie [temp woman] gave me a six-day job at $14 an hour! Cool! I gotta learn Lotus tho. Not so cool. But at least I don't gotta get up every day & make phone calls searching for work.

A woman said she's been in word processing for seven years and refused to take a typewriter test. I agreed w/her in principle. But who cares, cuz I'm GONNA MAKE four hundred smackas.

This morning I saw a REALLY old guy reading the personals. It was depressing.

Another free weekend is coming up. I don't want to take my car anywhere far until I get Triple A. [Editor's Note: This was a used car I bought for $800 after graduation, and used it to move all my stuff from Philly up north.]

8/27 10:34 AM What a temp job! $14 an hour for the next 6 days - and it's a nice financial place. I'm up on the 19th floor right now. I'm listening to Howard Stern. This company is one of those that takes care of its employees. Free juices & water...whee! I only hafta answer phones. Barely.

1:28 I just chowed down on free Chinese. Top things to do at a temp job:

1. Make long distance calls
2. Make copies
3. Steal software (duplicate it)
I do not advocate these things, however.

8/28 8:38 Weird dream! Weird dream! Something about making G.F. [someone I had a pretty intense unrequited crush on in college] take a job on a bus or something. It all escapes me now.

8/30 9:07 AM I went past the new CBS David Letterman theater this morning (For those who don't know, he left NBC). Z-100 was broadcasting some contest w/Jason Priestly.

Last night I read that Elton John had a hit with "Your Song" at the age of 23. One year older than I, and I still haven't accomplished anything. I hang on to hope w/the Jason book [a kids' book I was working on at the time]. Without that project, I'd probably feel completely worthless.

8/31 They showed the Letterman scenes on the news. He came outside a few times.

Heard on the street this morning:
DAD - We're having sushi tonight.
LITTLE GIRL - Again?