The END OF MY COLLEGE CAREER, Part II: THE UNEXCITING CONCLUSION

To read the more interesting Part I first, go to: http://www.addledwriter.blogspot.com/2012_04_01_archive.html#7767805703886587017

       On or around January 5, 1993, I tried to get into my dorm, but this time, my ID card didn’t work.

       The security guard at the front desk looked puzzled.  “You live here,” she said, and buzzed me in.

       After that, I would slip in through the visitors’ gate when the guard wasn’t looking, or if I happened to see someone I knew, I asked them to sign me in.

       Classes stared again, but not for me.  I was a woman without a campus.  I kept sleeping on my roommates’ couch.

Soon I looked in the campus paper and rented a room for $275 in an apartment with a chemistry grad student who lived three blocks off campus.  I took the subway downtown to Odd Lot and paid $30 for a futon and hauled it back and plopped it on my rug to sleep on at night.  All of my life’s possessions were in a few boxes.

I had managed to save a little money over the past summer and from my new job.  For $1,000, I bought a Macintosh Classic, my first computer.  That way I wouldn’t have to keep going to the library to write and to update my resume, or to work on my fiction.  My new roomie said that her ex-roommate was a writer and had used a discarded door that was left in the hallway as a desk.  I found the door, positioned it on top of two milk crates, and stationed my Macintosh on it.

       From then through May, I went to my internship in Trenton twice a week, and worked at a heavily windowed building on Arch Street in downtown Philly for the other three.  The building was near the Ben Franklin Bridge and I enjoyed watching the light bounce off the cars heading to New Jersey each morning.  I wondered when it would be my turn to leave.  I sometimes took the train to New York for publishing job interviews, even though the three-hour trip each way on commuter trains was long and expensive.  I also had time to enjoy the Penn campus, going to more club meetings. 

       I landed a few second interviews for jobs, requiring me to head back to New York on the train.  I found out that the Helmsley Hotel had bathrooms on the first floor that you could access without staying there, so I often used them to freshen up before an interview.  I walked all around the city in heels because it didn’t dawn on me to use sneakers and then switch.

In May, a girl I knew who had graduated from Penn the year before me had a room for rent in her apartment in Weehawken, N.J. for $330 per month.  $330 per month!  I could afford that.  It wasn’t in New York, but commuting would just mean paying a dollar for a shuttle bus through the Lincoln Tunnel.  There was even a view of the Empire State Building from the apartment bathroom.

       I hadn’t realized there were affordable ways to live so close to New York City.

I finished my internship in Trenton, gave notice to the disability job in Philly, and loaded up all my stuff in a junky used car to head north.

       I lived in Weehawken for three months, temping and still looking for that full-time job in the publishing mecca of New York.  During the recession, it was difficult to find any work, and I was competing with every English major on the planet – including women who had taken the fabled Radcliffe Publishing Course.  The jobs started at $17,000 to $23,000.  One job as an assistant for a literary agency was paying $16,000.

       Luckily I had the typing skills to secure lucrative temp assignments.  Even though the agencies insisted on testing us on typewriters, I clocked in at 80 words per minute.

But three days after I moved to Weehawken, I got sick.

I was sitting at a temp job in my navy blue suit and having chills.

At home, my insides felt heavy.

       I looked up the doctors who would take my insurance.  There was one a mile away in Hoboken, a city I’d never been to.  My dad had mentioned that it was becoming known as a hot town for young people just out of college.  It was a mile square in area and directly across the water from midtown Manhattan.

       I headed out in my car.  When I got there, I was amazed.  A mayoral election was being held.  Since I was interested in politics, I looked around curiously.

       One group of people was clustered around a huge electric sign that said “Big election today.”  Folks were yelling at each other across Washington Street, the main thoroughfare.  Also on that street:  Brownstones, historic buildings, bars, restaurants.

       The doctor examined me, asked for a urine sample, and said I probably had hepatitis A (the kind you get from eating contaminated food).  I figured the food trucks of West Philly were to blame.  The doctor said I would have to stay home for several weeks to recover.   It was my first full week on my own in (well, near) the big city, and now I couldn’t earn a living.

       While I was home in bed, my roommate, who worked for a publishing company, brought me freelance editing assignments to do.  I revised my novel.  I wrote forlorn letters to friends, most of whom did not have e-mail yet.  Summer got hotter.

I got a call from a young editorial assistant at a publishing company in response to a book I had submitted.  She said her company was interested and not to send it anywhere else.  Yesss!  That was welcome news.  It was a book full of lists of Gen X pop culture called “The Twentysomething Fact Book.”  But in the end, nothing came of it.

       Eventually I started temping again.  In September, I moved to Hoboken, taking an apartment share for $375 per month.

       Over the next few months, I worked at some long-time temp assignments and even got a job with a Democratic political consultant in New York (more on that another day, maybe).  That job came to a crashing halt when the consultant failed to pay his bills.  I kept looking for something in book publishing.

       In spring, more than a year after I’d graduated, a full-time job opened covering Hoboken for the town newspaper.  It was, in some ways, more alluring than publishing:  I’d be dealing with fact rather than fiction, what I wrote would have an impact on people’s lives, and I could walk around town during the coming summer and get to know my neighbors.  I was tempted to take it.  But as usual, I didn’t make things too easy for myself. I told myself that I should continue trying for a publishing job in New York, even though I kept jumping through hoops.

       I thought about the reporting job.  I could spend that spring and summer doing something I loved.  Why kill myself trying to commute to the Big Apple every day when I could cover Hoboken?

       But was I dooming myself in the long run, since I’d gotten a bit turned off to journalism in college?  The career progression would be to move from a weekly to a daily paper, and I really didn’t want to write about murder and crime for a living.

       In the end, I took the job.  I got a new apartment and it happened to be just four blocks from the newspaper office.  I pinned the painting of the dove on a bulletin board on my bedroom wall.  I’ve been in Hoboken ever since.

       

Mother's Day

 I want to wish a happy Mother's Day not just to mothers, but to anyone who wants to be a mom someday, and anyone missing their mom. Even though this holiday makes many people happy, there are also plenty of blog posts from people around the 'net who say the holiday reminds them of something sad.

 I have known many people who wanted to be mothers but who struggled with infertility. I also have read many blogs on this topic (folks struggling with infertility often keep blogs as a way to get support, and sometimes even to stay sane while undergoing so many treatments, rounds of IVF, etc.) Wanting to have a child isn't like wanting a fancy house or vacation. It's something that can affect every moment of your life, every hour of the day, every ounce of your soul (just like actually having kids does). A desire for a child/children is very deep and visceral. I read a blog recently by a woman who waited a long time to have kids, then realized how badly she wanted them, but she couldn't get pregnant. Her husband was fine with the fertility treatments, but at one point he griped to her she was "obsessed." I have seen that sentiment before. More people would have that "obsession" if they weren't able to conceive so easily. The majority of younger people have no problem getting pregnant, and so they never have to face questions like, "Why isn't this happening? Why do I want kids? Should I stop eating dairy/drinking coffee/drinking soda? Should my husband eat walnuts every day because they're supposed to help his fertility? What's wrong?" Most people who want kids just have them as a matter of course. So for a woman who is denied something that is so visceral, if it's important to her she is going to think about it often. Fertility treatments involve dozens of tests, shots, etc., so it's a big undertaking for a couple.

 Once you have kids, it changes your life, so remaining in a holding pattern waiting for it to happen no matter what you try, that's a tough thing. You might not know how much money you need to save for treatments, etc. So anyone who deeply wants kids should have the right to think and talk about it constantly without being dismissed as "obsessed." It can be part of a person's being, not just a physical thing. And it can be painful. Especially around Mother's Day.

 Why did I get off on this tangent? Maybe because as an older mom (and one who's very lucky to be one, at my age!!), I've come into contact with lots of people my age who have told me stories about infertility.  Maybe because I've seen one too many cruel internet comments blaming women for their infertility (I admire Giuliana Rancic for having the guts to talk publicly about her struggles; it's too bad that when she does, she gets comments on the 'net like "She just needs to put on five pounds" "She should stop working" etc. Yeah, it's really that easy and she just hasn't thought of that yet! Oh, and then there's the "just adopt." While adoption is a fine option and very rewarding, it's not easy, financially, emotionally, process wise, so not everyone can "just" do that.)

So happy Mother's Day to everyone with love in their heart - uncles, aunts, people who don't want their own kids but think kids are kinda cool anyway, nannies, teachers, dads, people who feel very alone, and anyone who for some reason is still reading this. Spread your love on this holiday, even if it has nothing to do with motherhood. Even if it's just by feeling happy with the choices you've made in life, and wanting that happiness for others too.

 PS: For those who don't want kids, there is of course nothing wrong with that either. There are enough kids in the world.

Been there

This morning, I went outside with my daughter to go pick up some stuff at CVS.  I realized there was a young woman (early 30s? 20s?) kind of poised on the bottom of our stoop, balancing a box of Bud Light cans on the railing for the steps.  I said, "Oh, do you need me to hold the door?"  She shook her head no and said she was going up the street.  She had just stopped to rest for a second as she made her way home with the heavy box o' beer.

I kind of smiled.  I remember those days.  She's probably a single girl, living with roommates, and they're planning a party tonight.  She's independent and didn't ask anyone to help her with the heavy beer.  But she's still gotta stop every block to rest for a second.

That was me a bunch of times, not necessarily with beer, but with some heavy item, knowing I'd get it back to my apartment even if it took me a little longer.

No particular place to go

       When I was a student at U. Penn, there was a homeless woman who would stand on Locust Walk – the brick path through campus – and ask the students, “Hi, would you buy one of the paintings I’m selling to support myself?”

The “paintings” were photocopies of her drawings of animals.  She had probably made them two blocks away at Kinko’s, and she was selling them for eight to ten dollars each.  But I always felt bad for her and I vowed that once I wasn’t broke, even if it took until graduation, I’d buy one of her paintings. 

And sure, it’s possible she was on drugs, but I don’t see drug or alcohol use as a good excuse not to help the homeless; anyone who stands on the street and asks for money still has a worse life than I do, and the money will undoubtedly make him or her feel a little bit better, no matter where it goes.  Who am I to judge or  make assumptions?  Anyway, she was someone’s daughter, maybe sister, maybe even their mother.  And it’s not like I was giving to her every day – I just figured I’d do it eventually.

       But I was pretty broke for all four years at Penn.  On weekends, when there was no dining service, I ate strawberry milk and a banana at Wawa for breakfast and a $4.25 Chinese dinner from the LeAnh Kitchen truck at 36th and Walnut.

I typed people’s papers to make extra money.  I was a pretty fast typist, having honed my skills throughout high school because I knew they'd be needed if I wanted to be a writer someday.  I posted flyers around campus to find clients.  Every dollar mattered.

       In the same vein, I took five classes each semester instead of four so I could graduate from Penn a semester early, thus saving tuition and getting into the real world earlier.  Being an English major, it wasn’t too hard to graduate early.  I just had to take the major requirements, plus the core curriculum, and write my 25-page thesis (it was on Virginia Woolf.)

       So in December of 1992, a semester early, I was officially a graduate of Penn.

       Except.

Except that I had nowhere to go.

       I’d been taking the train to New York to interview for publishing jobs, but hadn’t landed one by graduation, and I didn’t think I could afford to live in New York just yet.  But that’s where I’d always wanted to be:  In publishing, in New York.

       Just before graduation, two opportunities opened in the Philadelphia area. 
         My roommate told me about a part-time job as an assistant to a paraplegic woman downtown who ran a non-profit disability advocacy organization.  I had the typing skills and the time, and it paid $10 an hour, which was plenty back then.  The job was for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, which would still give me time to pursue job interviews and other opportunities.

       At the same time, I had interviewed for an unpaid internship in the State House in Trenton, with Gov. Florio’s speechwriters and press aides.  The Clinton election had made me more interested in political communications, as had some great courses with Kathleen Hall Jamieson at the Annenberg school.  I hadn't thought I could afford an unpaid internship, but the coordinators said I could do the internship Tuesdays and Thursdays if I wanted to, and skip it when I had job interviews in New York.  Very tempting!

But I felt like I should go to New York and try to begin a career, not slack around Philly.

However, my heart wanted me to stay in Philly for at least for one more semester.  Deep inside, I wanted to do the internship.  I wanted to work on Arch Street for the disabilities advocacy organization.  And I figured I could enjoy Penn like I hadn’t before when I was constantly studying, reading, and writing papers on The Heart of Darkness.

I wasn’t very good at listening to my heart back then.  I was better at preparing for the future.
But I told myself to give myself a break for a change and do what I really wanted.
Ultimately I decided to stay in Philly.
But now that I had graduated, I was supposed to leave my dorm, and I didn’t actually have a place to live.  No one formally kicked me out of the dorm suite I was sharing with two roommates, and they hadn’t assigned someone to take my place yet.  As long as my ID still let me in the building, I kept sleeping on the bumpy plaid couch in our living room.  I’d already packed up my sheets, pillow, and everything else from my old bedroom, in case a new roommate arrived. 

Winter break came, and I was set to start my internship and my job downtown. I stayed on campus after almost everyone else left – not knowing what was to come in the next stage of my life.

It was a bit boring and lonely on campus with no one else there.  For the first half of winter break, my ID still let me into the dorm.  Christmas came, as well as the day after, and every time I slid my card through the reader, it still worked.  I went to my part-time job by day and took the elevator up to our empty suite at night.  I was saving money to eventually live in New York.

Sometimes I journeyed to the Penn library after work and stayed past 11 p.m., printing out my resume to send to publishing companies.  Sometimes I printed out my novel in progress to send out as well.

       New Year’s Eve came and I was alone in my dorm room.  I took the elevator to the roof, to the lounge that had windows all around – a panoramic view of Philly.  I looked at the lights twinkling on the office buildings.  There was a couple holding hands at one end of the lounge, and soft red couches and chairs facing every window.  It was quiet.

       I didn’t see a reason to stay there getting depressed.  I decided to get out and see a movie.

       “Home Alone 2” was the biggest movie out at the time, and it seemed fitting.

I went to my dorm room and pulled on my winter coat – it was freezing as it often is on new year’s eve – and headed downstairs.

       I took Locust Walk to the edge of campus and crossed 40th Street to the theater.

       Home Alone 2 was uplifting.  I don’t remember much about it, but it involved a homeless woman and it had a happy ending that involved turtledoves.

In fact, the dove was a symbol all the way through the movie.

       After I finished watching it, I shoved my hands in my pockets and headed back to my dorm room.

       On Locust Walk, a woman appeared. 

“Hi.  I’m wondering if you could buy one of the paintings I’m selling to support myself.”

I finally had some money to give her.  I was starting to be financially independent.

       I looked at the woman’s paintings.  Right on top was one that surprised me.

       It was a painting of a dove.

       I paid her eight bucks, brought it home, and stuck it on the dorm room wall to remind myself that I was lucky.

Jackets at the playground, Hoboken, N.J.

Hoodie Allen

Thanks to the Beastie Boys, we already know that Jewish boys can rap. Meet Hoodie Allen, whose new EP just came out.  He's becoming quite popular.  He went to my alma mater, U. Penn. He's a bit younger than I am, though - 21 or 22. Gosh, how did we miss each other on campus since I'm just a few years older?

I guess I live in a trendy town.

took this a while ago but never uploaded

Publishing industry news

From Publishers Marketplace: "Steven Millhauser has won the 2011 Story Prize for his collection WE OTHERS (Knopf). Millhauser received the $20,000 award at a ceremony held in New York Wednesday evening."

$20,000!? Holy wow. Dust off your stories!

hoboken sunset

happy spring!

...also, i had a baby on friday! (more on that another day.)

Hi, new readers!

Wow, there are 30 people following this blog! Hi, 30 people! I guess if you found it because you went to my writing website, I should post something related to my writing.

But it's been a while since we've had photos to break things up. So for now, here's a photo of a stupid crosswalk.

More later.

For people who criticize the media

The next time you complain about the media, particularly if you make statements like "the media sensationalizes" or "the media is only concerned with sex and gore" ask yourself whether the problem is really with the fact that you only read or you only remember those sensational stories and skip over the important stories about foreign wars, local corruption, taxes, domestic policy, local and national and foreign elections -- and ask yourself if you make an effort to find those stories. Considering how many articles are written in newspapers each day, even in some of the daily tabloids, why aren't you reading those stories as well? (The "sexier" stories, the cute pets, and the celebrity interviews have their place because at least they lure readers to a newspaper or magazine that also might be reporting on more serious matters.)

Obviously some tabloids focus exclusively on sensational stories and headlines, and outlets like TMZ focus on celebs and gossip. But if that's the only media you read and you don't also read more important stories (you can find them in almost every publication if you actually look), and you never would write a letter or e-mail a news tip, you lose the right to complain. When was the last time you searched the internet to see what the New York Times had filed lately about unrest in Nigeria? Do you know how many journalists are held hostage in other countries right now because they cared about the important stories, and is anything being done?

Here is a story filed this morning about the media you criticize:

Respected American war reporter Marie Colvin, who covered conflicts from Sri Lanka to Syria and stood up for the importance of independent journalism, died in a shelling attack in Syria on Wednesday. She was in her 50s.
...Colvin, from Oyster Bay, New York, had been a foreign correspondent for Britain's Sunday Times for the past two decades, making a specialty of reporting from the world's most dangerous places. She lost the sight in one eye during an ambush in Sri Lanka in 2001 — but promised not to "hang up my flak jacket," and kept reporting on the world's most troubled places.
"So, was I stupid? Stupid I would feel writing a column about the dinner party I went to last night," she wrote in the Sunday Times after the attack. "Equally, I'd rather be in that middle ground between a desk job and getting shot, no offense to desk jobs.

Before you say she's an exception, she's not -- there were 6,580 daily newspapers in the world five years ago, probably fewer now, but still many more than whichever one you don't like. I would guess there is something being reported on right now in your statewide or local paper that may look innocent or boring on first glance, but you should pay attention to it and respond to it so that others will notice it as well and push for change. Maybe there are stories you're ignoring because you don't think they affect you personally or help your favorite candidate; I've seen journalists write stories that should have gotten people up in arms and protesting -- and nothing happened. Nada. Zip, because no one had a personal interest at the time. It might be something as seemingly insignificant as a story listing the items that your local budget is paying for, or about terrible treatment of immigrants being held in detention centers for spotty reasons. Instead of making up wacky conspiracy theories about the "media," you might pay attention to the media that is working, and even look more closely at any papers you criticize to see if there are still some articles that are worthwhile. There are all types of media in the world just like there are all types of people. If you'd rather stick to reading sensational stories, that is perfectly fine -- but then don't complain.

And finally, keep in mind that there is a practicality to the media; a kid who gets out of college and has to pull his weight writing obits or police beat items may not have the time that two journalists had forty years ago to dedicate themselves only to tracking down Watergate...however, investigative stories will still happen; they rely on the public to give tips and ideas, not to just sit back and claim that there are lots of evil things going on and why isn't "the press" reporting on them. Even Woodward & Bernstein had Deep Throat slipping them details. And DT didn't sit in his office griping that the media must know something was wrong in the Nixon administration and just wasn't writing it. Instead, he pointed the duo in the right direction. A newspaper's job is not to write that Politician X seems like a jerk just because you think he acts corrupt, but if you can point out why or at least give suggestions for places to look, do it and be patient while facts are gathered and real inquiries are made so a solid story can land in print or on the airwaves. If you see something, say something. Work with journalists, not against them.

Chuck Klosterman made a great point once that I can't find online (I'll have to get my hands on his book so I can quote it accurately), but it was something like this: "Journalists have no time to manufacture consent when they're chasing down the latest police report." Instead of overthinking what's not there, look at what IS there and suggest what more you'd like to see.

How teens communicate

There's a detailed story in last week's New Yorker about the Tyler Clementi case. It goes into more depth than a lot of articles about it. You can read it yourself and learn more about what was going on in each student's mind, but another thing that comes out of it is just how much of teenagers' lives is on-line these days. Dharun Tweeted various things to his friends about his roommate, and Tyler searched for it and read it all pretty quickly. Both boys used to web to find out things about each other before they moved in together, and Tweeted, texted, or Instant Messaged stereotypes to friends. Tyler told a friend that his future roommate was "Azn" and that "his rents defs own a Dunkin" (meaning his parents definitely own a Dunkin' Donuts). Ravi Tweeted that his future roomie was gay after finding posts of his on a gay chat board. Both of them used "defs" for "definitely." It seems that kids today will put all sorts of things on the web without assuming that anyone else can read it. Both boys seemed to speak the same universal language at times ("defs"). These kids who grew up with the internet and Facebook are defs a different generation.

Something I just read on the 'net

I just read this comment left by someone on the internet, in response to an Atlantic Monthly magazine article, and I thought it was worthy of reprinting:

"It takes full adulthood to appreciate that one's parents were simply human, often more than a little frightened, but who suppressed this in order to protect their children from that same fear, and in doing so became, however briefly and dimly, someone braver than themselves. As was said in 'Big' we are all 10 years old. Being a parent means you have to, have to, transcend that..."

So true. I pretty much thought my parents knew everything and could handle everything when I was growing up. Seeing them occasionally lose their cool, or be vulnerable, was the scariest thing in the world. I look back and see that they had me and my brother when they were 26 and 29 years old. How the heck did they really know what they were doing? They made mistakes, but it's hard to really blame them. What was the model for them to follow when, for instance, my brother had a learning disability? What did they know of that?

One thing I wish my mom hadn't done was be honest with my brother and me, when we were really little, about certain problems that were going on. Sometimes kids don't have to know everything. Sure, I want my kids to realize that life isn't perfect, but they also shouldn't have to worry about every little adult fear. I think I can be brave enough for that.

That said, there are still ways to capture your own youthful enthusiasm when you are an adult or a parent. I'm still a 10-year-old when I smell cookies baking. Give me cookies! Mmmmm!

Ferris Bueller 2 tease

And it is quite a tease!

UPDATE: Sorry for perpetuating the hoax. It was a teaser for a car ad. Still interesting, though!

Two new Carrie Pilby reviews

...at Amazon. Thanks!

One says it's a good way to pass the time at the beach or the DMV. Hmmm, never thought of that.

The giant Christmas Eve Cookie may be gone...

...but its legend lives on.

An e-mail OOPS!

I just accidentally deleted an email from a Carrie Pilby reader that was in my spam. I deleted my spam all at once and saw the subject head as it was disappearing. It said "From an interested Carrie Pilby reader" or something similar. It's not in my trash. If that was you, please write again! Sorry about that. Guess I should look more carefully at what lands in the spam folder. I bet I've done this before. Darn.

My favorite outdoor photos I ever took (roughly in order by favorite)





Frozen lake in Hightstown, N.J. Next to Cranbury, my favorite old town.

Binghamton, N.Y.

Nantucket, Mass.

New York City.

Roof of my old apartment in Hoboken, just after a thunderstorm, when marvelous mamatas clouds made a rare appearance.

Pittsburgh, PA

Cranbury, N.J.

Hoboken, N.J.

Near Burlington, VT.

Fairview, N.J.

More from Cranbury. Love these signs.

Hoboken, N.J.

Lower East Side.

Just kinda funny.

Bathroom in an old artists' lofts building in Jersey City. The building was demolished a few years ago. (Okay, this isn't outdoors. Well, might as well keep it for now.)

Boston

I just realized I don't have any good fall leaf photos here. I guess there's no specific one that stands out. Also, no snow photos! What's up with that? I'll keep trying.

Things I repeatedly say to my 15-month-old son

1. "That doesn't go in your mouth."

2. "That's not a toy."

3. "You know you're not supposed to touch that."

4. "No, no."

5. "Mommy loves you."

They all mean the same thing.